Sometimes..

Sometimes I feel like I'm going out of my mind and so fully consumed and overwhelmed with frustration for everything and anything. And I don't even know why and I want to cry, but as I've said before, I'm wired differently and I'm not able to when I really want to. I mean I can tear up if I watch a really good sad movie/drama, but that's pretty much it. When it comes to my own personal life and emotions, nothing. What a bummer right? Because sometimes all you need is a good cry to empty and wash away everything so that you can start a new. Or more so something that can fully exhaust you completely and drain your energy so that you can sleep better at night. I have such a hard time sleeping at night even when I am really tired. Yeah, life is filled with shitty intertwined contradictions. Surprise surprise. (Sarcastic tone intended for you idiots out there) I'm sorry, I get mean when I'm grouchy or in a bad mood. It happens mostly if I'm hungover or around people for too long of a time who's company I'm indifferent to. I rarely care about things.

I hate myself for never being able to not be the bigger person. It's like this innate unstoppable instinct in me that just happens. I can't fucking control it (though how much I wish I could) and I just end up getting shitted on regardless if it's abiding with the laws of karma, which I do fully believe in but even so I question a lot of things since the universe is completely and utterly twisted for reasons that cannot be explained only to ask the question of "Were we really meant to become this fucked up internally so badly at such an early age?"

Yeah.. I tend to ramble on with my thoughts very quickly and they can pretty much sometimes be never ending so virtually they come out as run-on sentences. But hey, how's that for some free association?

Oh, and why is it that people can never just be grateful? For example, I have a free ticket to Disneyland, but I have to go there at 9am because of circumstances. Yet, when people hear they have to wake up, they'd rather not go, even if they really want to go and if the ticket weren't free, it would be really expensive. Why can't people just be grateful? Why are people so fucking picky and selfish and self-absorbed and well ungrateful?

Or, they won't even go if it's for a special occasion like my birthday? I know right.. some kind of friends I have. Or rather, people I associate myself with. (By the way, it's because the small handful of people that really care are busy on that day, so bummer for me.)

***Side Note
So I've been on the phone with my friend and for some reason talking to her always makes me feel better. I feel better. :D

How trippy is it how sporadic my emotions are. How wack. I know, I hate them too.