"Because That Is Just What Is Done And What A Good Daughter Does"

So I just spent the day just spending time with my father because I don't want him to be lonely when my mother is gone. As I am putting all my thoughts down virtually I'm sitting here and I can't seem to find the right words to say to express my sentiments. I can't seem to find the correct words to accurately portray whatever it is I'm feeling at the moment so forgive me if my words seem less than up to par today and more random and incohesive than normal.

So here goes.

I know that just being around my mother or father gives them a sense of comfort. To know that I am home and just there. It evokes a calmness wrapped up with the comfort of unity and what was for my parents. I feel that it serves to benefit them and ease their daily burdens they will carry along with them for the rest of their lives. I feel that if there is one thing I can do, it is to try to ease their turmoil regardless of my own. Because my troubles don't matter to me so much in terms of the whole picture, but theirs matter to me. I can't say I've been exceptional at trying to be a good daughter, at times I may even be quite unpleasant, but I do try to manage and do what I can given the circumstances. Deep down despite my liberal nature, I am a good girl and good daughter. It's in my blood and will always be there.

It's difficult. The pressure of family. I try hard but sometimes it's unbearable. I spend time with him and the whole time he's asking for his own reassurance in petty matters that obviously stem from a greater deep rooted issue. But not only is he asking for constant reassurance of whether or not whatever he happily cooked for me is the best of the best, he's also putting down the comparisons of my mother's skills as well. He has this way of tongue that whenever he says something always sounds so spiteful and vindictive whenever he speaks about or to my mother. I just don't understand why it has to be such a competition for him. Why he always wants to one up my mother. It's not a competition. Competition shouldn't even be a factor. The comparisons shouldn't even be there because it's just one of those things in two completely different categories that can't be compared. (I'm sorry, I'm a bit lazy right now to be slightly more than loquacious and articulative at the moment, bare with me)

He's also constantly criticizing what I'm doing all at the same time. How can there be a hope to grow into something greater and better if the only thing to develop from it is negativity?

It's like I can never be just good enough for both of my parents.

I have explained issues with my father in my entry The Dreaded Topic.

It's just so hard sometimes. I find myself saying that a lot lately. "It's just hard, I wish things were easier" in fact I said that last night. The pressures and unresolvable issues that will forever be there no matter how much I wish it would disappear. And I hate myself for not being able to sometimes bear all of their personality and behavior to just suck it up, all the frustrations and just put my stubbornness aside to just make them happy by just being around them. I hate myself for even thinking and feeling the negative thoughts sometimes of just wanting to be left alone and sometimes feeling a slight hatred whenever the nagging becomes too unyielding. I know "it's because they care" but goddamn this must be some warped and twisted Chinese way to love a child that will eventually scar them for their entire lives. Why does it have to be that way? Some fucking tradition. (Someone told me last night while in a bookstore that he hated Asian literature because they always seem to have the most emotional issues and baggage because of their stoicism and because of their supposed submissive nature that produces a stream of heavy baggage to affect their entire lives, they are expected to be and have the most forceful sentiments) It seems confusing but it all seems to make sense to me and interconnects everything to me as a whole.

And then I feel guilty for even thinking those negative thoughts. It's just so infuriating and overwhelming sometimes. It's too fucking much sometimes so much that it makes me want to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE" whenever I'm around them. I love them to death and hands down would rather have something bad happen to me in place of anything harming them ever. I wish I could take away all of their pain, unhappiness, and dissatisfaction. I wish our family was really all sunshine and rainbows.

So I paid my father company until I couldn't do it anymore. It always starts out as a good idea and then slowly but steadily the subtle and not so subtle hints of negativity that seem to infuriate me so come out. And it makes me feel like such a failure as a daughter because I can't even do this one thing for him. But I tried for 5 good hours.