Start A New Day.. Whatever

After a while of the processing of terrible flashbacks I would rather have permanently erased from my memory. I'm feeling a little better. Or more so not so much in writhing pain. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in the dark place. (It's almost as if I prefer to be in the dark place huh?) But now I'm more so just numb now with jolts of chest pain that come everyone once in a while. But numb is good. That's how I prefer to be all the time. And on the plus side, I don't think I'm going to be making it a habit of picking up my trusty knife. So that is good. I'm not stupid. Though I do feel like I'm very much wired differently and maybe somewhat defective when juxtaposed against and amongst all the happy and content people in the world. I feel misplaced. Maybe that's why I can't stand being around people for too long of an attitude.

But either way. I know I am all alone and I really have no one. But it's okay. I'm not complaining. I just tell it like it is. And it is what it is.

Update**4:30p.m.

And thank god my emotional and mental stability, or should I say instability is a bit better right now for this moment. I look at my gash or think about it ever few minutes while feeling the lingering sting of it. A scar is beginning to form which marks the transition of its slow healing. And for some twisted reason, it makes me feel better. Not the healing of the wound, but just the understanding and self acknowledgment that I did it to myself that makes me feel better. Almost like a good prideful rising in my chest mixed with an exhaling relief. Strange sort of catharsis huh? It's textbook.

But I still want all the pieces of me I ever gave away, to you especially, back.