This Is So Stupid

I know I'm supposed to be over you. And in a way I am. I'm over who you are, I just can't quite get over what was. The ease, chemistry, and greatness. That's the hardest part right?

But I need to get something off of my chest.
I know I'm supposed to be over you.
But it still royally sucks to see you when you hit on other people that also include my friends. I can't help feeling shitty though I wish I wouldn't because I know you're a complete manipulative douchebag and completely not worth it. I know that.

Seriously who does that? Just because you have to have someone to hit on and have no one else to play with? Can't you find some other people to hit on? Preferably new?

I always thought people had standards for I know I have high standards and expectations, but how can people just hit on anything and everything that moves just because they can't help themselves or that they need something like that to fulfill their night?

How can you just go through people like that? Treat them like they're everything for a couple of months and then decide you're over it and then treat them like nothing. It's a bit inhumane.
I hate that I let you do that to me. I hate that I thought I saw the good in you, but I turned out to be so wrong. I hate that you let me down because I believed in you. And that's what's making it so hard to be completely completely over and done with you. I'm holding on to the idea of goodness and not really processing reality- that you're not genuinely a good person that I really like and would like to associate myself around. And I need to let the part of me, that still hopes for something better, go. It's just hard to let a part of me that makes up some of my essence and passionate life go so easily. It's hard to give up because I'm not one to quit when things get hard. I always try to find a resolution. Though I have learned that some things are insolvable.

I do say that we're old enough to filter who we want in our lives and who we don't want. And I've always had a firm grasp of that concept and filtered out who I don't want. It's just hard this time around because of the easy nature we had in our relationship. Had I only known that that's what he does. I need to let go of the idea of what once was and understand the manipulative nature of it all that wasn't right for me.

I hate that I can't help but believe that the world is still good despite all the shit life screws you with. I still believe people can be good. Yet in turn with that belief, I end up screwing myself.

But getting this off my chest has done some good in helping me further because it's made me think and process it out to unravel the full extent of some issues. When I write these entries my thoughts develop into other things that often arrive to affirmations and revelations of emotions, I never know how my entries are going to end. My thoughts just seem to develop and digress into other things. My entries are basically me speaking my mind and working things out in my mind. In the end they help me to figure out my next step in how to continue to keep going forward. Advice is just basically what you already know reiterated back to you right? And now that it's all out, I do feel better because I am now back to understanding my own emotions and actions. I feel a lot better actually.