WHY?

I hate the screwy shit in life that is impossible to change no matter how much you want it to. The shit that makes you just so stuck that you're unable to reach your full potential.

I get so frustrated sometimes and so bottled up of emotions that I feel like I just want to scream. And yeah I'm not wired to cry when I'm sad, but when I am irate, I tear.

I'm so sick of my family life. I'm so sick of how I'm so rooted into my family that I can't ever get away from it and become my own person. My shitty traditional Chinese ideologies of what is honorable and what a good daughter should do is so ingrained in me that I can't escape no matter how much I wish I could. It's caused me to make so many fucking sacrifices that right now I can't stand it. I know I'm so fortunate to be living the life I am, but I wish I were as lucky as the lucky ones out there that don't have to worry about this shit. The ones that don't have to worry about money or the burden of family issues.

I hold it in when I am around them because a good daughter cannot explode. I do so on occasion but only when I just cannot take it anymore, but it's not a good thing to do and definitely not a good virtue. But I just get so frustrated sometimes that most of the time I just want to be alone. I don't want to even be around them.

I hear them just in disagreement constantly and fighting all the time and I hate it. And I hate to say it, but I sometimes wish I were born into a different life. I told Paul one day in border's when he tried to actually ask me something personal, which of course I immediately dodged and censored, that "it's just too hard sometimes." And it's true. Why do things have to be so hard? And that other people have it so easy?

The prettiest and skinniest are always so amazing and yet I, the hopelessly flawed one with only music and my passion for the English language to be there to even try to save me when I am hanging off of a fucking cliff.

I have the worst skin- a combination from my mother and father, I have the worst bone structure- scoliosis and big bones from my father's side, and I wish I were skinny, but I'm so curvy and thick I can't stand my own body. Everyday is an issue for me.

I have had my heart broken EVERY FUCKING TIME. My heart has been broken so many times that there are just holes, bruises, and scars everywhere. The last time I cut myself, I went in deep and now I have an ugly scar as a reminder. I'm so broken inside that I can't stand it. And I want to cut myself more, but people tend to question your wounds. You can't ignore an ugly wound. (And I'm actually astonished here at my honesty for it has taken me a long time to even admit to anyone about my coping mechanisms with shiny and sharp cutlery when I am left to my own vacant solitude and made up choice. believe me before I even make the decision I usually can talk myself out of it.)

My family is BROKE. I can't even get into that aspect.

Why is it that the lucky ones out there are just so damn lucky and the shitty ones just keep getting kicked to the fucking curb. You see? This is where I have an issue in terms of faith. I don't know what to believe in. If there were an all beneficiary "god" then why do the good people still get shitted on? I want to believe in something so badly, but I don't know if I can anymore.

I'm seriously breaking down.
And truth be told, I kind of just want it all to be over.