So I just wrote a blog, but then I got side-blinded with a heated discussion with a friend and now I don't really feel like posting that because it seems completely irrelevant to how I'm feeling. I wish I could copy and paste the conversation, but I just don't have the energy. I've realized this past month, I've stopped fighting back. I mean I still fight behind what I believe in, but I mean it takes a lot for me to fight back (say like that night I got trashy because of my trusty friend also known as liquid courage). But what I'm trying to say is, I've lost the will to bicker and argue back, for fun of course. And that shoots off as a sort of warning to me that something is not right with me. I'm just to tired for anything, too tired to get up the energy to say "indulge" in a fun bickering war. I just don't have the energy to even want to participate anymore. And I don't know why. So now I just let things go. And I've noticed it's been happening a lot now. It's like I have nothing to say anymore. Like I'm literally and pathetically really fading out. You can even tell with my posts within the past two weeks, they have been very much of no substance. The text style has been typed out with no amount of effort or creativity. It's just blah. I hate blah. I've lost my desire to do anything. I've lots my enthusiasm. Yeah I still laugh, a lot, but that's different because laughing doesn't take effort, it's a natural spasm.
The post I was writing before consisted of a more lighthearted tone, but now my mood is not so much lighthearted anymore. I wanted to write an entry of more substance because I have been reviewing the posts within the past two weeks and they have been all of the same saturnine tone and it does not meet my high expectations for myself. I wanted give you an entry that was different from the past 7-10 entries (I say 7-10 because within some of them are lighthearted, you just have to dig through them to find the sunshine) because reviewing the past several entries, I know they are somewhat all from the same thematic.
I do hate that my blog comes off as one that is dramatic, but truthfully, I can't help how I feel and it's not pretend. Seriously. I don't want to be like this or feel the way that I do. It isn't like I take pleasure in not being able to be happy. Believe me, I do try and I have tried. I am afterall an eternal optimist and idealist. I really am. I laugh all the time and always try to see the brighter side of things. Throughout these past two weeks I have laughed a lot. And there are times where it's like "when is it enough?" and life throws you nothing but rocks, but I always have that innate and instinctive hope that things can get better. It isn't like I have given up. That's not possible for me. I don't give up. There may be times where I choose to temporarily succumb to my depression, but it is never ultimate.
Believe me, I don't want you to think that I am just a dramatic being that inevitably comes off as a fraud because I'm not feigning. I'm not playing, this isn't fun for me. And you'd be sick to think so. Most people would rather not know the real ugly truth of things because it makes them uncomfortable, so in turn they laugh at what they don't know to make themselves feel more comfortable. Those people should be the real ones to self evaluate and those are the ones I really feel sorry for. And then again why should I care what you think? In one of my earliest entries, I declared the absurdity of that want for validation and approval. But that's all crap.
My friend told me earnestly that he "didn't know what was [my] problem" or why I was having "such a hard time" with my issues. I told him I have reviewed it over and over in my head constantly trying to figure out the reason behind my emotions. I mean I understand my problems and why they make me sad, but the reason behind why I feel the way I feel. Or hell, why anyone feels the way they feel, like the real complex cosmic magnitude code behind it. It's complex and you can't really know. I mean if we all completely understood what caused us to feel and react the way we do, then shit, we'd all be geniuses and the world would be chaotic.
I was trying to get him to understand the difference between his thought process and mine. The majority of males are pragmatic while the majority of females are emotional. Face it, males and females speak two entirely different languages. It's true, and if you're just one of those lucky ones, you may be able to somewhat understand both; I say somewhat because it's not possible to fully understand it all.
Okay so basically I explained to him that he had a hard time understanding because he thought pragmatically and compared the magnitude of a problem rather than trying to understand the emotion behind it. I was trying to get him to understand that when it comes to why and how people react and feel the way they do, the magitude of the issue cannot be compared (for example a break up with a significant other to saying a fatal health problem) because the emotions behind them affect people very differently and people are going to feel whatever it is they feel however strongly the issue and emotion behind it chooses to affect them. It would be quite senseless to compare issues on terms of surface practicality because emotions are not based on practicality. Emotions are often times unexplainable because the human mind is too complex. If we were intelligent enough to understand the human brain and all its functions, we would still not be able to understand it because the illustriousness is just that complex.
Okay, well if anything, I wanted to tell you that I really don't want to have my blog be mainly about the same serious and grave motif. And since it is a new week and will consist of me having to step out of the house, I will have more exciting and iridescent topics to speculate about as well as a prediction in change of mood. I am trying to get over it all and create contentment in my mood. Since I will be out of the house and actually "starting a new day" my mood will definitely alter and be lighter. Tomorrow I have class, then work on group project with group, then I am having some really bomb tacos for dinner and finally watching 500 Days of Summer, which I have been dying to watch. Also, Thursday I am planning on going to the beach! Look at the, my mood has already lightened. (: So stay tuned friends.
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