Getting Dirty With My Masochistic Tendencies

To anyone that is simply coming across my blog, my admitting of masochistic preferences would probably be seen as a cry for attention or whatever it is that people do to come off as dramatic. I awkwardly laugh because as I read my admitted thoughts, it gives off the same effect to me as well, but whether you choose to believe me or not, you don't know me enough to judge me. Yet, sadly enough, as much as I can say that I really don't care what you think, why is it that I do? It's pretty pathetic right? How we have this mentality ingrained from almost birth our need for approval and validation from the world. And why is it that we always have to feel the need to explain ourselves regardless if anyone even really matters? Yeah okay, whatever, before I digress again and launch into another random thought stemmed from another random thought, my intentions are to have a space where I can express my thoughts no matter how ludicrous they come off as.

I started this blog because I want to say whatever it is I feel without having to censor or inhibit thoughts that sometimes I think are crazy and yet as I am typing out my words right now, I still can't seem to be able to really say what I want to say about myself. But I guess I should jump into it head on. Mentally prepare yourself, you have been warned for something I don't even know how to describe, but it's something.

I feel like there is something wrong with me and my emotions are so awfully ridiculous that all I ever want to do is just sleep because it's better than being awake. I feel like I have all these deep rooted issues that sink into my heart and I become sad when I see other unfortunate things. I'm too fucking empathetic and I really wish I didn't care so much. I'm pretty good at being detached but I'm not good enough to completely not care about anything, which pretty much is my main goal to achieve. I feel like I want to cry all the time and most of the time I can't because I am not physically able to. Like even when I try hard to cry because maybe that would give me some kind of relief to just let something out, nothing comes out. I have two moods: high and low. I'm like a fucking emotional rollercoaster.

As for my masochistic tendencies, I like physical pain because, for obvious reasons proved by psychiatrists and researchers we hear from broadcasting on tv or the radio or health centers, it makes me feel better and happy. How twisted is that right? I have this preference for self mutilation. There's just something bout receiving a wound and wanting it to be as worse as it can be. Daring yourself to cut deeper and feeling the pleasure and pride that you're able to go deeper. Somehow it makes me feel better and I don't know why. Most people like seeing it heal, but to be honest, I actually get sad when it heals. Or maybe I'm on the fence about that. I don't know. I've been told that when you get cut, chemically speaking, your brain sends out endorphines or some other chemical to make you feel good. So huh, maybe that's one reason.

I haven't cut myself for about 5 years, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm cured. There are other ways. I went through a piercings phase and I have a thing for tattoos. Also, I like to give blood. I'd like to say it's for the cause, but really it's because they put a huge needle in me and I get to see the blood come out and I bruise afterward. Most people are afraid of needles and that kind of pain, but in some morbid way, I welcome it. For some distorted reason, I actually take pleasure in it and it makes me feel better for a while. I started cutting myself when I was in third grade. (Which I won't get into just yet.) I know, this sounds like bullshit, but it's my word against yours and my word is that whatever I blog about is all truth. Hence everything sort of being anonymous. (My profile and everything) But hey if you choose not to believe it then fuck you, you don't know me and this is my blog so GTFO.

I am the kind of person who is constantly trying to improve themselves on a day to day basis. I can't stand people who are okay with being a bad person. (By the way excuse me if my thoughts don't transition well. My thoughts tend to be rather sporadic so please bear with me.) The way I see it is, if you can make yourself out to be your best potential, then why wouldn't you want to do that? Why wouldn't you want to be the best person you could possibly be? I can't understand how people out there can have no conscience in anything they do and that they're okay with being cruel or so low moraled. Anyway, so during my progressions on development, I am constantly evaluating and reevaluating myself. I am my own worst and hardest critic and it's a terrible thing.

I go through a cycle. I am mostly closed off and when I choose to let people, or more like someone in (I am speaking about someone from the opposite sex in terms of a potential relationship) , I, as much as I hate to fucking admit it, get attached and I hate it. I am not the type of girl who gets emotional. I am the type of girl who is basically one of the guys and can hang with them. I do not normally get along with girls because they grate on my nerves with their incessant prattling about superficial petty things that aren't going to matter 5 years down the world let alone 6 months down the road. But, when I start to choose to like someone, it's instant and detrimental. I do not like men easily and in fact I am quite picky, so like the common flaw, when I do like someone (and many times it is often out of your control), it is fast and I fall hard. My cycle is that I am attracted to assholes and we all know nothing good can come out of that. The result is that I end up "heartbroken" and it absolutely is ridiculous crap. Pure crap.

My problem is that I can never just let myself be happy. I am not able to get close to someone anymore. Even when someone comes into my physical bubble, I instinctively step back. And I can't stand being touched sometimes unless it is someone I am close to or someone I consider to be my significant other. Very often I also find myself fucking shit up so that I end up unhappy. Who knows why I do that. Because I know no other way to be? For me the bottom has always fallen out of everything. Things always go to shit. I have huge abandonment issues. Everyone I love always leaves in one way shape or form. (I'm not kidding) I've never had anyone substantially and consistently there for me. There hasn't been a time where I can remember someone there for me. If they were there, they ended up disappearing of course. (Of course right, story of my life)

The strongest memory I have when I was little was me crying all the time because my parents were never home. (Hm maybe that's why I can't physically cry anymore) And it is still as such. I live in a household where no one is ever home. I am always alone and it's caused me to have had to grow up quickly and it explains my very independent manner. It's not my parents' fault. And I am in no way placing any blame on them. I've been so fortunate enough for their care and upbringing and to have the things and opportunities I have and have had for they work their asses off and have always just so their children never have to grow up the way they had to. And I never forget that or take it for granted. But with all of that trying to achieve the "American Dream," as any other first generation daughter or son from an immigrant family that understand and share my sympathies and feelings, it does certainly create its own skeletons in the closet. And believe me there are a ton of deep rooted issues that are all entangled with each other to create bigger problems.

But I know I'm looking for that one person. I desperately want and need that one person who is going to be my "knight in shining whatever" (oh my god I can't believe I just typed that haha! But I'm way too lazy to think of a better term) and take away all the bad and pain that I've ever had to feel or endure. I feel like I just need one. One who is not going to run away when I get too difficult. I have a cycle, I put all my expectations into these guys that I meet hoping that something will be different, but it never is and I am crushed over and over again. But in all true form "I am okay," only because I have to be because there is no other way. Shit happens and you get over it. There is no sense in dwelling on things that have already happened because there is nothing that can be done; shit's already happened. Most of my statements are slightly vague, but maybe I'll get to them in due time if I let myself. For the meantime a vague statement is enough; the fact that something has been said is quite a feat for me. Typing all this out is already making myself vulnerable enough, but yet I am doing it.

I am afraid that there is really something wrong with me and most of the time I live in the moment and do things for the high of it just so I don't have to really feel how miserable I really am. And I can't believe I have truthfully typed out what I have typed out in this second blog, but here it is.