I Dont Have A Title For This One

Yeah.. my mood is seriously low right now. I'm even drinking a class of chilled white wine for a pick me up. I'm kind of speechless but not. I feel disappointed. I'm supposed to be chillin with friends and drinking snakebites right now but it has been postponed and thus I am waiting. Seems like all I ever do is wait.

I wish that I didn't have to feel so low all the time. I wish that I never got disappointed. I wish my parents were better and happy with eachother. I wish my parents had everything they ever wished for. I wish I never had to feel so hurt seeing the looks on their faces of their own unhappiness and disappointment of their lives. I wish nothing ever spun out of control. I wish I didn't have to feel like it was up to me to keep the family together. I wish my family were as close as we pretend to be. I wish my home was warm. I wish there weren't the continuous issues with no resolution that sink into my heart about my family. I wish that I didn't wish I had a different life. I wish I didn't have to grow up so fast. I wish my intuition wasn't so spot on. I wish I never felt so alone. I wish I didn't think my own wack emotions were so ridiculous. I wish things were perpetually good and that I never stopped feeling good and happy. I wish my high were never followed with extreme lows. I wish I didn't hurt so much. I wish I never felt like crying. I wish I could actually physically cry. I wish I weren't such a substance abuser. I wish I didn't think about cutting myself so often. I wish I didn't care for my well-being if I did begin cutting myself again. I wish my emotions weren't so unstable. I wish I were good enough. I wish everyone I loved didn't have to leave. I wish to not believe that "people always leave." I wish I was never the one waiting. I wish I were lucky. I wish it were easier. I wish I wasn't so screwed up. I wish I didn't feel like such a mediocre person. I wish I wasn't so broken. I wish I wasn't so fucking scared to let people in. I wish I didn't fear what the ones I care about think of the real me if I ever revealed it to them. I wish I never got hurt after I decided to show my vulnerabilities. I wish I were proved wrong about every instinct I ever had about never letting anyone in because of the detrimental factors of getting hurt. I wish I didn't care about anything. I wish I didn't wish I wanted someone to be there. I wish people were actually there the way they say they are because I always am there. I wish I had a therapist. I wish I were on antidepressant medication. (Maybe I'd have a different desposition) I wish I could smoke cigarrettes without it being a hazard to my health and lungs. I wish I could be numb all the time.

I wish I had more white wine, but there was only a glass left in the bottle.