I woke up around 1pm today when I slept around 5am last night. For some odd reason I woke up sort of a bit more lighthearted. I feel like this blog is really the start of something new and that it could possibly help me to become better emotionally. Haha if that even makes any sense. I'm sure it does in a way with the whole you know "just talking about it out loud (sort of) is a step towards recovery" bullshit. Most days I live my life at a 6.5 out of 10 on the miserable/pain scale. Some days an 8 or 7. Hmm makes me sound so pathetic, but you can't help how you feel regardless of how absurd they may even come off to yourself.
Today is a bit of a good day for I am going to a party tonight, but a very different one with people I don't know. I am going with a friend that I haven't known for too long, but I am going nonetheless. I prefer challenges, in fact I love them and chase them. Everyone always says that they hate going to parties where they don't know anyone, but for me, I actually welcome it. For whatever reason that is beyond me, I able to work well within a crowd. It just comes easy for me.
So as from my previous entry, I exposed about my problems in the relationship department. And unfortunately I am in the process of "healing" if one would call it that. I have been jilted once again by a so called stereotypical asshole. I always seem to get involved with the wrong guys that are clearly not right for me and that I am clearly aware of the situation. But because I have absolutely no discipline when it comes to matters of the heart and I am a sucker, I tend to do what I want at that moment knowing the risks and consequences at stake that will come later. It's like I know what mistake I'm making and that I choose to deal with them later when that time actually comes even though I know how hard I take the truth.
So yes, I have been jilted once again and I should have fucking known better, but sometimes, well most times, I just don't care. It's like I do things for instant gratification no matter how destructive they may be while completely disregarding my own sage advice of "what you want isn't necessarily what's good for you." Yes it all very much sucks, but what keeps me sane (besides the concrete stuff like music and books) is my own self preservation. The very first time I was jilted, it being my first love and all that (you all know what I mean about first loves and disaster and that it never ends well), I felt like I was going to die, but I eventually got over it. Wonderful. Yet, I get jilted time and time again, but luckily it isn't so bad. The way I see it is, it may royally suck, but it doesn't feel like I am dying. And mind you, I have felt like I have been dying, but since every time after does not feel like that, then logically I am okay and/or will be okay. My self preservation is quite a powerful one that it even amazes me sometimes, but I also have the unrelenting hope (I suppose it's more of an innate reasoning) that never wavers and I can't get rid of that because sometimes I wish I could so that I could be that person who really and absolutely doesn't give a shit about anything. (I envy those people that are able to do whatever they want regardless of the consequences) But I suppose that this innate reasoning of hope is the only thing that is keeping me from being seriously clinically depressed and suicidal.
Meh. With all that said, we shall see what happens tonight. I'm somewhat excited and anxious, but to be frank, what can really be expected? And why am I excited when it will probably just be a party no more no less? Because of that stupid hope and faith that life is so much more than this shitty feeling. That in the end it's good, and if it's not good then it's not the end.
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