I said slight. It only means when I start, most times I don't want to stop. But let's all face the cold, hard real facts; drugs are great. No? Hahaha YES. And I'm young. I know the detriments and harmful adverse effects. For me it isn't a phase, just merely experimentation and I like to be sober and clean. (No really, I do assholes) But I do like to have fun once in a while and why shouldn't I be able to and I do know that I should not do drugs. My body is not the type to withstand drugs. I don't exactly how the strongest body physically in terms of immunity and I was born with a heart murmur but thankfully it closed up on it's own once I hit my adolescence. But if it was strong as an ox like most people I so admire, then I would definitely live it up. But unfortunately, for some odd reason, my body is not strong enough and I get the worst comedowns which is the reason why I'm kind of over drugs now. Not to mention I have a huge conscience, so it makes me feel bad afterwards and sort of guilty.
It's hard to explain. And if I could smoke cigarettes without it harming my body, I would be a chain smoker. But they are bad for me and you. I have experimented with the obvious, marijuana, and others such as ecstasy, coke, and on one occasion I railed xanax, but does that really count as a drug? I just like to rail stuff. I don't like weed at all, I don't like the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel slow and stupid and I don't like how it trips me out. I get very paranoid when I don't have immediate mobility to my body. And it screws with my vision; I hate when I can't see clearly. I haven't done coke in a while, but if it was around I probably would. But I don't like the comedown because of the tweak I can't sleep afterwards and I don't like the body high. Mostly these days I just do E occasionally. But when I do too much in a night, I get the worst come downs. If I'm not well rested before or if it's three or more pills a night, (Mind you I don't do it often, it's probably once a month or once every few months but even that I am trying to stop) then when I get up too quickly from sitting, I black out for a moment and faint. Just for a moment. It is bad and I hate it. And my body feels terrible and unwell and I want to throw up because maybe that would make me feel better, but it doesn't and I don't smoke weed to make me feel better because I don't like weed. And I can't sleep so it's a terrible feeling and I feel out of sorts for the whole day. And I hate the fact that I wasted all that time doing drugs because it's so highly unproductive and I hate feeling unproductive. It makes me feel like shit. Again it's a conscience thing. That is the reason why I don't want to do drugs anymore.
But after all that said. I really am over drugs. I don't want to do it anymore. I like being clean and sober. It's a good feeling. It makes me feel good. I'm tired of doing stupid shit all the time. Because it's not me; it's not who I am. I feel like I'm over it and maybe it's the whole growing up thing. I feel like there is just so much more than that. I'm old enough (fuck, we're all old enough) to be able to filter out who and what I want in my life and who and what I don't want in my life. And I feel like I've been doing a pretty good job, but I know there is always a grey area because as shitty and as cliche as it sounds. life is fucking messy. For me it was never a phase. I believe in trying things because it is your life and you only live once, but try and never get caught up in it. Sometimes I feel like I'm living too much in the fast lane and it scares me. Too fast and I might disappear or drift away. Bad things happen all the time and I have the worst luck. I've done way too much stupid shit to think if I continue to do it that I can make it out unscathed. Sometimes i figure what the hell and I just don't care. So I end up doing it again and then I kick myself in the ass asking myself why did I do it. It's because sometimes I just don't give a shit. Do the extreme to feel alive right? To escape from reality. It's such a cowardly thing, but it's true.
All this brings me to the fact that I may be dropping once again soon with friends as a last tribute hurrah. But I don't really want to take E. I want to be there because it will be a big group of good people who are my friends, but I would more so rather drink. I mean I have already made sure I'm good and ready, but I don't know. I probably will end up doing it, but even as I'm typing all this down, it's bringing back feelings of why I want to run away from drugs and never do anything again. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to see when the time comes. I often envy people with strong bodies because they can take so much without having adverse effects, but as healthy as I am, I still can't because of the bad resulting effects drugs leave on me. It all makes me feel physically awful, sometimes even cigarettes make me feel like shit. I don't think my body is cut out to consume drugs. It's sad, but maybe it's a good thing too because who knows how I would end up if I were one of those people I am envious of. I don't think I would be so proud of myself then. And as I've said, I like the fact that I seem to be breaking away from this drug realm or that I have a strong desire to be rid of it all. It makes me feel good and isn't that what's important in growth development and significant to me trying to be a better person or more so the best person I can be?
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