Why does it seem like I can never be good enough for anything whether it be as a daughter or even object of interest? Okay let's be real, I know I'm great. To each one their own potential. Yet it doesn't seem like I am ever good enough ever for anything. Maybe it's the way first generation asians have been brought up with their immigrant parents. And let's face it, immigrants (regardless of ethnicity) live in a world than the privileged do in this country. Nothing is every good enough because the expectations are unattainable.
(The party was great tonight by the way. It was fun and nothing more than what I had anticipated. Fun and different shit.)
Okay well at first the party was awkward. (This is being written at 2:30pm the next day after I have woken up and sort of reflected) It sort of felt like when I, the only asian there (well at the moment until later another girl came but she was a friend already so it was different), walked in, that I sort of rained on their parade. The party was filled with assholes, but fortunately for me, I can very well maneuver assholes to my will. After some alcohol intake preceded, it was fun. Haha until the shit talk began. Men with their egos getting bruised that the little asian girl is kicking their asses in beer pong and then the motherfuckers have the nerve to get all racist. But you know what it was okay. (well it had to be, I was a guest and my mama raised me right, and not to mention that I'm am so much better than that) And let me tell you, it got riDICKulous, but you know I'm good at being an asshole, it's sort of one of my expertises. So i fought fire with fire WITHOUT being racist. (Well until the girls who were their friends said that it was okay if I were and to be racist)
Okay so I was a little racist, ('cause shit, I can hang son! I can not only take it, I can motherfucking dish it out too, partly from my upbringing with mostly males and not females- but that's another story for you kids) but only after taking so much of their immature low blows. The things that I said were all surface and not even harsh things that butthurt men, or should I say BOYS, because men are supposed to be mature and diginified to be priviledged to be called men (whatever if you want to implement ideologies and what not). I was slightly racist, but it was about dumb things. There is a certain line to be drawn. There is grey area, but in terms of the right thing to say at the right time, or the wrong thing to say. There is a very fucking fine line. And the thing is I fucking knew that shit was going to happen. The fact that I was the different one from the beginning of the party. I fucking knew it. I'm a very intuitive person and I work off of vibes from people. I think I got that from my father if you want to talk spiritual (not in a religious sense, one can be spiritual without involving religion). But I fucking knew something like that was going to happen.
Frankly, people are assholes, but thank god for those that aren't and for that, it makes the world a better and beautiful place. And thank god for the man that brought me to the party because he was nothing but nice and respectable. It just goes to show that even if your friends ARE assholes, you don't have to jump on the freaking bandwagon. I don't understand how groups of people sometimes are all the same. I can understand similar interests, but to be an asshole because your friends are? So what does that make you in terms of a person?
Moral of the story here goes kids is (oh my god how lame is this and how lame am I for saying this, but free association in a warped way suckers take that!) it's better to be who you are without the expectations of others. Sooner or later if you buy into all that crap just to seek approval and validation just because you guys are "bros" or that he's your motherfucking "boy!" (this also applies to other instances not including men of course), you're going to wake up one day and realize that everything is shit and that you're completely lost. And I realize most of you geniuses out there like myself already know this, but the sad thing is, there are many, MANY stupid people out there.
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