Shock

So things are looking up and I'm beginning to be more busy. (By the way, just a thought. I'm really surprised that I've been keeping up with this blog so regularly when I don't like routine) I love being busy even though it makes me super tired. I was going to post about new things that will be going on but right now my mood doesn't suit the occasion. Tomorrow.

My brother rides motocycles. Specifically racing bikes, he goes to the track and races all the time. He's been doing it for years not and he's quite good at it. He's the best driver I know and expert enough to race on tracks going speeds you wouldn't believe or be able to handle yourself on a bike. Most amateurs fear even taking a bike out onto the freeway. This past weekend he went to the race track. He came home monday night with his wrist in a brace and his neck unable to move. I didn't think much of it because I hadn't asked him about it. My family we all run on different schedules so sometimes we barely have time to really talk to each other and when we do, most of the time we're just so tired that we're not in the mood.

Anyway I digress. I just found out the extent of his injuries. His neck, apparently a bone has popped out of place. I don't understand. And I'm scared for him. I'm also very angry. His fiancee and her family said that they knew this really good doctor/chiropractor. I just heard the story. Apparently the doctor tried to push his bone back into place with what sounds like this Asian neck stretcher thing, my brother's word verbatim "Like the same thing dad has." It's one of those Asian contraption things that are supposed to help elongate your neck or whatever just to stretch it out.

Okay, what the fuck? Seriously? This is a doctor? And apparently he didn't take any x-rays or anything. I'm pissed. (And I never use the word piss. Like I mentioned in my previous posts, I don't like to because it's ugly) My brother was supposed to go back 2 days afterwards to see the doctor again but hasn't. He says he can't go until friday. God knows why, probably because of work, but I'm thinking if you can't fucking move your neck, your boss should be humane enough to let you go to the fucking hospital or medical office to get it fucking checked out since it has to do with health problems.

And just seeing the look on my brothers face. I mentioned I was too empathetic and felt too many intuition vibes from people right? (The one thing that can really get to me and sink into my heart is the look on people's faces, mostly my mother and father. Just of the things I can see, read, and interpret. It sinks into me and pains me like you wouldn't believe or understand. I can't describe it) Just the look on his face breaks my heart because I can see he's scared but he is trying not to show it because he has to have some sort of self preservation and hope so he won't break down because we all know how serious it could become. My brother is usually the tough one and I've never seen him like this. And what's wrong is that people around him are sort of freaking out which definitely doesn't help his situation or sanity in this matter. He seems sort of helpless. My independent, tough 6"2' big brother. The one who protects me, I cannot help.

I'm smart enough to know what a detrimental area the neck is. I'm in shock right now and as I'm thinking about it, I'm trying to think of what to say, but I can't. And it really is freaking me out a bit. If it weren't for my strong talent and possession of my lovely self preservation, I would be a wreck.

Most of the time events and traumas I do come encounter with barely bother me a bit. They don't bother me nearly as much as they should if they were to happen to a normal person. (Yeah I admit it and I know, I'm not normal. Like I said, I'm wired differently. Short circuited maybe? Who know?)

I always wonder sometimes how I would react if something really really bad, such as a death in the family, were to happen. I've been very fortunate enough to have never had that happen to me yet. I've never been to a funereal or had a family member pass away or had anything too life altering. (Well I guess it depends on your critic of life altering, but I mean something that cannot be altered back as in the state of permanence such as would be on the same level as death) I wonder if it would affect me at all. My only grandfather who is not my biological grandfather (I've never met my real biological grandfathers because they passed away long before) has had a couple of health problems and though they seem serious, I don't think I react as I should. I find it really weird that things are not able to affect me so much. Usually when most ppl freak out about the most minor details, I am pretty adaptable and they seem so petty to me. For me, there always is a solution. When a problem is irreconcilable, then I process it and keep it in me and move on.

My mind works in processes. I encounter news, I have to have time to process it in my head. Meaning I go over it, I think it's my self preservation. It's like my mind feels like it's on the edge of freaking out, but my last strand of sanity is keeping me all together almost instinctively hushing to me that I'm fine.

So back to my brother. I don't know. It's been about a half an hour and when I first took it in I did my being stunned state for a short while and now I'm just numb. I really am scared. The neck is such a fragile thing to me. One false move.

I don't know. I'm sort of numb but not in a good way that I prefer sometimes. Just more so awe-stricken.

I don't know.
When I come across things that stump me. All I can say is I don't know and it comes out so much as redundant and I shake my head slowly in habit as I say the words..

I don't know. I'm scared.