Some 2:42a.m. Bullshit

So I'm sitting here and my feeling great streak has just about run out. I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow I'll be fine again. Start a new day right?

I feel like life is just so fucking mediocre. For now at least. I sort of feel like crying, which is so weird. I need to seriously get over this. What do you think makes it so hard to get over certain things? I don't think it's necessarily weakness. It's probably the sentimental connections that create a considerable amount of emotion. I think for me it's the endorphins. I'm an endorphin junkie.

As I've said about a million times before, I am completely consistently inconsistent. Fully fickle minded and I can't help it. It's like I'm drawn towards that force that radiates from full blown inconsistency. And this happens because I'm almost never completely in the state of bliss. I wish I were, but I'm wired differently and I don't know why I'm not able to just be purely content and have happiness stem from that. The only time I'm good with consistency is with practical things and when I'm in a situation that creates jubilation.

But it makes perfect sense, when things are good, who wouldn't want them to remain that way? The very nature of me requires constant change because I like it. But I think it's because I feel that my life is just so mediocre that if I don't do something drastic to change my situation or emotions for the matter, then I'd go crazy. (Hence my antsy moods I get in as well as my tendency to pick fights with everyone. No seriously, I feel bad for my friends sometimes because most of the time they surely don't deserve it)

I think it's because secretly deep down I want stability. A stability that isn't going to leave me when I choose to let it become a part of me. Did I mention I have huge abandonment issues? Most likely did.

For the past couple of days, as you can see from the progress of my most recent posts, I have been trying to repress my depression and most of the times it works. It peaks out occasionally such as right now, but I've been doing a good job in relishing and what's left over from the chemicals produced by my brain of my lingering endorphins.

And after I manage to get off my my lovely laptop, I will probably find something to do that brings back my previous slightly euphoric state and continue trying to ride out the good feeling. Usually when I am happy, I try to milk it for all it's worth.

**Side Note
I was just thinking, why the hell am I so affected by this? Why am I hurting over a fucking douchebag? Well let me tell you, you always want what you can't have.
I hate how my heart reacts.. such bullshit. I hate how I always believe that people are good or can be good and that I get hooked to their good side no matter how much the bad outweighs the good.