Inside Inside

I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs on the inside. I turned off my phone last night- trying to use physical evasive tactics to prolong the inevitable wrath of uncontrollable and sensitive stupidity. I just want to hide from the world. And I can't seem to give it up. Every time I think I'm good and done with it, I pick up the blade again. I need some relief, it's not enough anymore. It's not so much as severe anymore like the high 8's and 9's I used to get daily where I couldn't get out of bed, but now it's always just a simmering numb sting- always present underneath my skin, letting me know that it's still there and will never really be gone no matter how much progress I've made to lift myself out. The risk of major relapse forever exists and it'll never disappear. Now it's just something I've come to accept. But I don't care anymore, I need to not care furthermore about everything in general. If only I could stop being so goddamn emotional and cease the reaching out chain reaction action.
And I can't even fall asleep because my body and mind won't let me. I need this moment to pass already. Up and downs, they never end, it's a nonstop cycle, though I wish it weren't. I wish I could be normal and not psychotic and not do instinctive stupid shit, all the damn time just to purposely ruin everything. The only thing I can commit to is ruining everything and making messes with vigor. I need to just be a different person and not me anymore. I want to get out of my own head and body. I'm trapped. But at least I'm slightly numb, even if there is the constant waiting simmering, I just need to become entirely numb. I'm waiting for the residual sting of it all to completely die off and pass so I may become entirely numb. It's coming along slowly but surely, Rome wasn't built in a day. It's harder to take steps forward than it is to take steps back. But I don't know if it can actually really happen given the fact that I feel to much for life. How can I reach my goal of becoming completely heartless when everything my body represents is real and heart? I don't want to feel anymore, I don't want to feel anything anymore.