I don't know how to let myself be close to someone. I'm so used to only bad things happening to me and bad luck, and bad timing, that something feels wrong if nothing is wrong. It scares the shit out of me because I'm always afraid that happiness will get taken away from me, because it always does. In my case, nothing lasts. And I start freaking out 'cause I don't know what to do. So I always end up purposely fucking everything up, ruining things and making messes- disasters, just to have a reason to push them away and gain automatic distance. So I won't feel as bad when they do finally realize how horrible I am and do end up hating me, I suppose.