!!!

What the hell am I doing!! I feel so disgusted right now, like throwing up. I'm glad I'm hitting the gym after work though, I need a run. I can't do this, I can't keep on getting hurt just because my soul feels too much in general for life. I can't focus and I need to, I need to stop shaking too. My head's on right, for once, but my heart is never right. And this is for once not about depression, I'm at a really good place in my life right now. I've never felt so good and I'm not on meds right now. (maybe they did make everything worse, maybe there really is nothing wrong with me and that I'm just a self-masochist who loves blood and cold steel) I just need to try harder to breathe. This is about external factors rather than the usual internals. My body is screaming to shut everything and slow anything down from the tangible outside world. I don't want to think, talk, cry,  feel, put up, or deal anymore. It's too much to handle, no wonder I'm so horrible at commitment. But it isn't the committing part, it's the risk factor increase part. All I want to do is get into my music listening bubble and not stop. Everything is gets better with music.