I consider myself to be very strong in a sense that I've pulled myself out time and time again after my depression has gotten so terrible.
But recently I've been waking up, wishing I weren't alive. I pan out my suicide attempts and see which one would work the best. I go through each day, hating everything, and angry at everything. Picking fights, snapping, at the littlest small things because they all trigger my sensitivity. Everything makes me want to cry. I do have ways to pull me out of the dark place, but when I hit a certain point in my regression, I get into the space where nothing works anymore because all interest for literally everything is lost. It's dangerous because for someone who cares about everything, it makes me not care about anything.
My mind takes over and I'm utterly defenseless. I've been fine off of meds for so long, I figured I could handle it. I thought I've been tracking my issues, but I think I was running away and belittling them instead. But I don't like the way the meds make me feel and I don't know what to do. I know I need real professional help because it's getting bad again. There is only so much I can do on my own and at this point I really don't care about myself anymore.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
You should try reading inspirational books or what I find helpful: books by philosophers; though stay clear of gloomy philosophers, such as, Arthur Schopenhauer. My favourite book at the moment is Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Aurelius isn't a philosopher but his work is philosophical. He coined the phrase 'Live each day as if it were your last'. You can conquer the darkness you feel overwhelmed by but you must first realise that you control it not the other way round. Good luck!
Post a Comment