What I Could Never Say

It's still hard for me to actually put this out there, I have censored or changed almost everything I have to just resemble the lines of a mere friendship relationship. But you're no idiot, and you probably already know all of this already. This just may be confirming it all.

Okay truth?

I was scared. Still am.

I didn't want to just become another one of those girls or your friends who fall in love with you. As you've mentioned before. I really didn't want that to happen. Believe me, I tried as hard as I could have to prevent it.

But, as much as I tried to just deny it to literally everyone and keep us just first and foremost friends, I unwillingly fell in love with you. Yet, despite all of that, I still really don't know what I want. I don't see how it could ever work.

I have always loved the person you are, if anyone would ask me why, I don't think I would be able to come up with a concise answer. But who knows why anyone loves a person? But, this time I fell in love with you. Loving someone and falling in love are two different things.

Yet, none of that is on my mind at all. None of that has ever been on my mind to execute. That doesn't matter. I never had any ulterior motives. What you see is what you get with me. I just wanted for us to be okay, that's it. Now I want all this humiliation to just be put to rest. Buried and never dug back up.

I don't even know how things got to be like this, when we were only just friends. We never even started so how could things spiral out of control? But they did. I guess you could attribute it to some enablers such as alcohol and chemical imbalances. But, all in all it was all just both of our undoings. Us reacting and acting off of each others responses. Bad combinations and everything just got out of hand. I never wanted or intended any of this to happen, but it did.

We broke it. And I'm so sorry. At least in due time, all this will pass and hopefully disappear. I just want this to be over with. Perhaps it probably is and has been for a very long time. Stubbornness is a vice, but my heart is closing. But just because I said all this, don't let it go to your head. Don't flatter yourself because it doesn't mean a thing.
So that's everything, now there really is nothing more to say. And so tomorrow I will wake up and it'll completely be done and over with. Enough of this redundant repetition. I'm even sick of hearing myself think.