The Real Hard Facts.. Mixed With Some Rambling

I'm sick of unlearned human beings assuming that depression, or any other personality or chemically imbalanced disorder for the matter, is pure nonsense and just being stupid and dramatic. It's not.

And I'm tired of people thinking it can be cured just like that. It can't.

You can't see emotions, so how could you really know? You can't just disregard a person for feeling the way they do.

The truth it, it's an on going daily struggle. Day by day and moment to moment. It's unpredictable, and the best anyone can do is just hang in there and ride it out. Sometimes I think that it can't ever be really cured. I feel that it's always lurking in the corner of the dark place, just waiting to see if it has an opening shot too shine again.

It isn't a game. For the ones who are real sufferers from chemical imbalances, it isn't just 'created' for attention or any other petty factors. In fact, I would rather be left alone and always unnoticed for my scars. I hate having the spotlight on me or attention. (you know me, I would so rather be in the background just chilling)

My friends bitch and whine about such petty things, like the surface things such as refusing to sit in a crowded car or something that isn't easily convenient for them. When I tell them that it isn't that big of a deal just to compromise, be flexible and adapt, they try and turn it around saying, "What if you had to do it?"

My initial and impulsive response was, "I don't care, I just don't care about shit like that." And it's true. I don't.
Because there is a bigger battle going on in my body that no one could possibly and really understand unless they have experienced it themselves.

But truth be told, I actually envy my friends that make petty and small things a bigger deal than they really should be. Because that's all there is and all that it is for them for the moment, once it's solved or resolved, it's done with and they are back to their emotionally and mentally easier lived lives, ready to take the next piece of frustration they stumble upon. I envy them because they are lucky, it could really be worse. And believe me, it really does get worse, so much more for some.

Like I said, it's an on going daily battle. A battle to stay a float, a fight to remain in control and not let yourself get back inside that dark place in your head, it's the constant struggle to get out of your mind and pull yourself back out repeatedly because you know this isn't how you were supposed to live your life, or end up. It's the unrelenting and everlasting hope every day that you will wake up and not feel the way you do, it's the hope that you will feel, if not 'happy' (what does that word even mean anyway?), but 'okay'. That all sounds fairly indifferent and baring neutral expression, but trust me, the state of being 'okay' is an epically great thing to feel on a daily basis. It's a gift that I don't take for granted, ever.

I sometimes wonder how it feels to be normal; I wonder how it feels to not have this sickness inside of me. But, whatever it may do, I still would not rather be anyone else but me. I am finally realizing that I love who I have become and who I am. I love my mind and the way it allows me to think so much differently than everyone around me. I love that, even though it becomes aware more than often when around other people, I am so not normal. Because, of how I am made, it allows me to live and see life through a completely different perspective and angle. And I meant what I said with the passing of my birthday, I refuse to ever change for anyone ever again just to make them happy. Screw it.

I change so much on a daily basis on my own accord that I don't need to be controlled and told who I should be or what I should do. That has happened to me way too much and you soon become so frustrated and filled with angst that you'd do anything just to rebel. I make it very clear that if you tell me to do something, I will make it a enforcing point to do just the opposite. I refuse to follow anyone's orders of how to live my life, regardless of the intention. You shouldn't be telling me how or whom I should be. I will be whomever and become whoever I will become as time passes. It's your decision whether or not you can handle staying and enjoying the experience.

You're with people because you love and accept who they are, just like that. You don't try and mold them into someone you wish they were, if so, go find someone else just like that and leave the other happily being himself. And if they leave, then obviously they weren't as valuable as you thought and life is just preparing you for the worthy ones to come. It's ultimately your own decision to want to change (for the better hopefully). I say, just try to live your life being the best possible person you can be. I am.