Long Time Coming Now

This topic and entry has been a long time coming now, I have been meaning to write about this (among many other things I've kept in my mind of which I have been meaning to write down) and feel like it's time to finally make it permanent.

You all know about my erratic and violent masochistic relationship I have with myself as well as all of the wracked up scars and marks on my body. And most of the time I just wait until the wound has healed for me to cut into it again. And this year I gave myself a major one on my leg in the pattern of a criss-cross which everyone believes to be an accidental bbg grill burn. Yeah, the one that I have no recollection of actually making, the one where I had no idea just how much damage I actually created. Anyway, as of several weeks ago, I have begun the process of removing these scars as well as the latest one on my left forearm. It's apparently an 8 step process, 4 shots of highly potent steroids in the span of a month apart from one another, and then 4 appointments of laser treatment. It's supposed to take 8 months total to completely be gone.


At first I did not know how to feel about all this, not very certain of myself and if the ugly marks on my body, of which I have become very accustomed to, would ever truly go away.

So I have already had my first shot of steroids and it has been a couple weeks already. I have to say, I am actually quite astonished at it's immediate progress. The dermatologist was definitely not kidding when he said that it was a severely strong steroid. It's meant to kill/eat tissue, and in my case, eat away excess scar tissue of my keloid scars.
I am just utterly amazed and blown away. The doctor said on the smaller scars that we needed to take extra care because too much would result in an indentation in the skin of too much tissue eradication. From the looks of my scars, they have flattened immensely. The smaller ones are completely flat and consistently smoothed in with my pristine skin.


But okay, the real purpose of this entry is more so to comment on a small revelation.

As I witness the healing of my scars day by day, I realize that I am so completely ready to be healed- inside and out. I came to this realization a couple weeks ago that I am ready to just leave the aching past behind, at least the things I have control over that have been troubling me for the past year and a half, the situations in my own life, not by running from them though, by facing them and fixing them head on if possible or to just leave it alone and forget. But of course that is always easier said and yearned than done. It's always more complicated than that and lingering emotions always seem to have the ability to drag you back if not unknowingly.

I know I have a long way to go, a really long way to go, but slowly and surely the realization is becoming stronger. The motivation is growing, so in due time I will find the full courage needed for me to actively seek out to properly smooth out the transition and execute the precautions to eventually save myself.