Goodbye

Enough. This is so ridiculous. This behavior needs to cease now. There is no reason why I should be allowing myself to dwell and waste time with this. It's all so done with.

I don't understand, what the hell was I thinking?
Looking back on our history and all the horrible and hurtful things that occurred. I don't see or understand how I could've just forgot it all.

You hurt me. You really hurt me.

I hate that I remember everything that you've done. Remembering is like reliving a nightmare you never wished to have collected.

And the thing is, I could've forgotten all of it. I almost did, almost threw it completely out without a second thought. But remembering the last two times you had hurt me before the disaster of 8 months ago, I don't know how I could've ever forgotten. I guess it's true when they say time does eventually erase everything.

That one time you said to come hang out with you and your friends. I walked in to find you completely just, I can barely seem to find the words to even put it down, it pinches now just trying to write it.
There was another girl. I didn't think anything of it, until you immediately resumed PDA without a stumble, like it was no big deal, and left me to my own.

We had just affectionately hung out the night before. God seeing that was like taking a fucking bullet. I even told you this, after I had smoked that cigarette and then proceeded to make up a bullshit exit excuse to your friends.

I confronted you downstairs, asking you, "what the fuck was that?" And you just acted oblivious and refuted with, "what was what?" God, who the fuck are you? I'm shaking my head as I type this. Who the hell do you think you are to everyone else?
I told you that, that was like taking a fucking bullet, that you were so fucked up, such a fucked up person. How could you do that? To anyone for the matter.
After I brought up the girl, god, you just had this hard ass, impenetrable look on your face. Like you were trying to convince yourself that your actions were justifiably okay and not fucked up at all. But we both know how messed up it was. And then I left, never wanting to speak to you ever again. And we didn't for a while, until you came around again.

And I let you walk all over me again. I am such a fucking sucker. Geez, it was my own fault entirely for letting it all happen to me. Yet, it doesn't mean that you can willingly allow yourself to take full advantage of a nice person. You can't just mentally screw with decent people for your own satisfaction because you need something to make you feel in control all the time.

The sad thing is, I would've completely forgotten everything, everything entirely, had it not been for that girl and that scene I walked myself in to. I will never forgive myself for putting myself in that situation. I could let it go eventually, but right now, I can never forgive you for doing that.

You can't just sleep with me and then act like nothing's changed. You can't just be affectionate with someone and have it mean nothing. You can't just do that with me and then allow me to watch you put the moves on another girl. I don't work like that, it's not how I'm built. I'm a good girl, I don't just give it away freely. I can barely be affectionate with anyone at all. It makes me wonder if you do this or have done this with every single girl in your life, and you just play all of us one at a time until you get bored and move on to the next one in line. It makes me think, what else have you done that I don't know about, because surely I don't know anything about you. I know that's a hurtful thing to say, but thoughts have to go somewhere.

I don't understand how it can just not matter to you. Any of it. I guess I will never know.

God, all the times I let you step all over and use me, shit, I am a fucking blind idiot. Who the fuck did I think I was? All the times you initiated and I just fucking took the bait, every fucking time. Bottom line: It would and will never be me. Innate hope fucks all of us over in the end. And you will never change. Even when I finally consented to thinking you had really changed 8 months ago after your much convincing. I really wished for your conscience that you did though. I wanted more for you. You're so smart, I wasn't lying when I said I believed in your full potential and goodness, no matter how deeply buried it is within you. Despite all that, I still do believe that. I hope someday you get there. It's too bad I won't be there to see it.

I can't let you hurt me any longer. But I don't think that'll be a problem anymore.