...

This probably will never even get to you. But going out on a limb here nonetheless. I don't care.

You may not even consent to accept or acknowledge this. You may not even take it into consideration. Hell, you may even classify this as a level of high pretentiousness, but, I don't mean to come off that way, I just don't know what more I can do. This is it, this is everything handed on a silver platter with no censorship nor covering up. And if you've always just seen me as crazy crazy, well I guess that's just that. This is everything- all of my thoughts honestly in virtually printed form utterly handed to you consensually to take as you see fit. At least this is what somewhat 10 years of off and on 'friendship' and history deserves us both.

This 'friendship' of ours, you're messing with my head. And your inconsistency is what is making me crazy.
My mind is on the ups and downs. The inconsistent fickleness of the most avid inconstant. But at least I am trying.

I have tried and I don't know how else to reach you; I am innately not the type to embrace stalking nor fully and actively seeking out. And I refuse to quite literally chase you down and have to feel that I am doing so, although I have honestly felt that I have already done so and I really, really hate that feeling. Yeah, it is completely absurd right? Anyway.

I just don't know what is real and what's not with you anymore or how things came to be like this that we avoid each other now. And I have tried my best maneuvers at all costs. If point of view is so skewed, I may even come off the most bit insane and farfetched, quite possibly imagining pure fiction or what not, but everything warrants an alternate perspective if you allow yourself to fully analyze and theorize all aspects, which you know I'm going to do. If anything, just say something. Confirm, contradict, whatever, anything. And then so be it, at least I would have tried and said my peace the best I could have.

I just want everything all said and to be done with. So it can be finally dealt with. And I may be a complete fool (most probably already achieved, but I would have rather tried wholeheartedly than not), but I meant what I intended, I just wanted us to be okay; I want nothing more than that at the moment. No more hidden secrets, no more games, no more fallacies. Do what you will, ball is in your court and this is everything. This is all what it and this is.

Maybe this was and is just your fully intended hint for me to receive and process, to finally fucking take a long necessary defeated hike. That, I would have fully received and accepted. But rather than hint, I would have understood more completely a full on blunt clarification to expunge all lingering inconsistencies. I prefer a harsh truth rather than feigned sympathy, regardless of how stinging. So anything but, I guess I'm a little slow to pick up the subtlety transitions. Yet, honestly; if you would have just told me the simple truth of everything, it would have just been so much easier. Easier for every necessary decision whatever the circumstance. Yes, I'll leave you alone, if that's what you want. But what do you want? We're both so not idiots, so the enabled continuous silence? I have no idea why.

All in all, do what you will, take it in complete earnest for what it is and act accordingly. At least I will know that I did all I could have with no remorse beckoning in the back of my mind so that ultimately we can just completely figure this all out or can decide to move forward without having to look back with lingering and dragged out thoughts. Oh god, look at me, I'm talking in circles now.

It is what it is right? I'm willing to swallow my pride, I don't suppose we'll even speak after this. You have clearly made your point with your silence and actions I suppose. But it doesn't matter anymore, and at least I did all I could have before laying it to rest. It wasn't supposed to end up like this, not for us.