Start A New Day And Ending, I Suppose

Isn't this getting a little old? The trials and tribulations of trying to end and begin or begin then end? Anyway,

I went to sleep with a decision and woke up with a decision. I think I have to just give up. And maybe really, your actions are just really just a hint and I have just been imaging the entire time. No more games, no more fronts, no more tough facade and feigned demeanor. Just earnest honesty and simplicity.

I'm sorry, but we're so over. We're so over there needs to be another word for over. Maybe we both just need to fully move on. Maybe you already have, but all the weird correspondence is tripping me out because I can't seem to understand it. But I'm tired of waiting for you, to be ready to really talk to me, and to be ready to trust me and let me in. You should already know this by now that I have been with you always even when you have royally screwed me over (yeah I know, only I would still stick around after being treated thus throughout the years), and yet you still can't have faith in me. I'm tired of these games. Either tell me you really don't feel anything for our friendship or whatever, or tell me otherwise. Because I cannot keep on going like this and dragging this out. This isn't healthy for me. It's literally draining me completely. I shouldn't have to feel like I am seeking you out like that, chasing you, just to talk. It's pathetic. And we still haven't even really talked.

I've been over and over everything in my mind. Trying to break things down and work it out to figure out the reasons behind the resulted effects. I want to know if this is all in my head, or if my intuition and gut is precisely on the mark with my concluded postulations.

Yeah, I love you. The person who you are now and have become. But so what? It doesn't mean anything else but that or that I want something more or whatever. The only thing I do want is for us to just be okay, so don't get all senselessly deranged now. Neh.

I am just so tired. Tired of my heart breaking every time I feel we might get to a balanced and clarified level. Tired of literally going crazy and filling with hyperventilating anxiety because I really want to work this all out for good. And that is so not me now, but it's insane how in a matter of days you have managed to totally unhinge me once again. I go crazy because of how unstable you are. It gets worse every last time it happens. And sometimes thinking back on all the horrible things done in the past, I still can't believe myself for what I want. I'd forget it completely if you would just be there. Be reachable.

I called you, texted you, contacted you because I wanted to make up. For real, not just the courtesy small talk. Small talk is crap.

I wanted to apologize for all the hurtful or ugly things I've ever said or done. I wanted to say sorry for all the judgmental out of line things I said that you just put up with or took. That was undeserving.

I wanted you to just talk to me, for real. Without all the surface crap.

I'm not waiting for you anymore. I can't. You figure it out because I can't do it for the both of us anymore. I don't know, maybe I am just running again. But this is what I know. I never thought I would say this, but I brought this completely on myself, I admit defeat. But this isn't a game. It's not supposed to be.