Post Vegas Theorizing

This weekend in Vegas, I feel is destroying me, right now. My body seriously does not recover well at all, and less now as I am growing older. And frankly speaking, I can't do this shit anymore. And with my daily meds, I fear I am killing my liver and my heart.

I wasn't planning on going because I am so utterly tired of "this life is party", but my friends get all cranky and whiny whenever I don't want to come out, play, and drink. I stress the word 'drink' by the way. They want crazy me to come back, they want me to substance abuse again with the alcohol, so that I get wild. But I'm done with that. I hardly ever want to drink anymore. They say I am boring now and they want crazy me to come back.

But, that girl is gone. It isn't who I am anymore. I am so sure of who I am now. And crazy me, I have been telling my friends, is not coming back. Personally, I think they want her to come back so they can have something consistent to talk about. It's all subconscious though, course they don't try to understand processes beneath the surface. (I have known them all long enough to know how they think, and I know by experience. Once you get into any sort of in depth conversation that requires actual neurons and thinking for one's self, they tune out) They're boring and need something fresh and new to keep them thriving I suppose, they count on it because they're too scared to live life themselves. (I mean this from the standpoint of living passed the surface gratifications) I am not boring and in fact I am quite satisfied and content with my own gained intellect and cerebral skills.

I don't need someone else to keep me happy, I make myself happy and my own luck, just by really living. And I'm guessing, in reality, they are the boring ones that are just too scared to admit it- if that's what they say. Everyone's a coward. And I am realizing it more and more the more I observe, analyze, and theorize. Course this is all speculation from my points of view, but I am often the black sheep for a reason. I think, say and do the things that people are too scared to execute for themselves. They're so scared that they consciously don't even know they are doing it. It's all so ingrained in our ideologies and minds from birth, that most people do not know any other way to live. But nonetheless, I sometimes think and consider them to be the lucky ones. They don't have to worry about any other things beyond and underneath the surface. And so they lives their lives as content as possible. I know how judgmental I sound right now, but there is more than just what is on the surface, even more than what's beneath the surface. Because it goes so much deeper than that than most people will ever realize. But I mean what I said when I said I was envious of their lives.

I wish it were all that simple for me. Yet, everything is completely contradictory and self-cyclic because there are always other angles and perspectives from it. Because if I really were as happy go lucky as they (not saying they are all the time, course everyone has their own personal turmoil, so who's to say and judge who they are, but if I were to explain every single detail for every single deducement, then my thoughts and writing would never come to conclusion, fully thinking that they are living their lives (don't get me wrong, they are living their lives, but again I am thinking of living as more than a tangible and physical action. when I say live, I mean entirely, not just physically, but so much more so, intellectually. I care more for intellectuality and metaphysics rather than anything I could ever achieve physically), then I wouldn't be who I am now. See how it all completely becomes jumbled up and loops around constantly. It'll drive a person crazy.

I have also told them that crazy me is way too unstable and I love who I am now. I love who I am, whom I have become. I feel so stable and sure now that I wouldn't give it up for anything. Course I still have bad moments, but who doesn't. The fact is, that overall, I feel emotionally and mentally healthier. Thank you for medication and affirmations.