I guess I've been thinking too much (as always of course)- you can tell by the sudden influx of entries. Just thoughts that have come to mind that I need to let out and let go. So here's another.
I really need to stop giving people so many chances and being so forgiving. I need to stop allowing myself to let people in. I need to stop being attached with everything period. I need to detach myself. I need to stop letting myself rely on people because everyone's always all talk and no execution. Everything and everyone is full of shit. Everyone's too fucking chicken shit to step up. It's all bullshit. I need to kick my eternally optimistic and unrelenting hopeful demeanor. I need to stop believing that there is something out there that is so much more than all of this modern day wasteland. I need to try and stop my unyielding faith in people; stop the benefit of the doubt and the belief that they can be so much more and so much better than they seem. I need to stop imagining that the world and the people in it can be good and better. I need to stop believing that people have so much more potential. I need to stop being an idealist and more of a cynical realist. I need to stop kidding myself. I need to be less sheltered. I need to be less passionate about life. I need to stop thinking. I need to stop my experimentations and speculations of beautiful vision and inspiration. I need to stop dreaming.
But these are all the things that make up who I am. I need to stop being me? Who will I become?
I thought I was on the road to recovery, I noticed myself opening up more to people and not being so hard and closed off. But I realize what a mistake that was to let people get to know me and get to know who I really am. Because the consequences only resulted in a worser outcome with adverse effects and more regret/deterioration. I'm too different to fit in anywhere and I wish I were normal.
Spotlight
- mynameisjane
- hi, with warning. i am entirely damaged and crazy with masochistic tendencies and an addictive self-destructive personality. but i am in the trials of self-recovery- though thoroughly failing in the process, here's to hoping- one day- someday. in form of pure tried articulation of the written word, this space keeps the highly erratic and darkly emotional self reflection of my contemplative life with bits of sunshine scattered in between. i am a mess; i absolutely create disasters and inevitably fuck everything up. so decide if you are one who actually thinks and chooses for his own mind or one who is fated to predestined cowardice, forever running away like the rest of the narrow minded sheep in this world and unable to embrace the violent and bittersweet storm of harsh realness.
1 comment:
Hi! Found you on LeLove blog.
Normal is overrated, be you...just open your eyes a little wider. :) People tell us who they really are, by the things they say or don't do (as you stated). We just have to stop giving people too much credit. Share your optimism and energy with those who appreciate it and for those who throw back in your face...reabsorb with a smile and let them be! Took me years to perfect that with my mother. ;)
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