Brace Yourself

Death is selfish. A cop out. It's a lousy scapegoat.
But I feel like I'm dying inside.
I'm in the dark place. Or at least 3 steps away.
I took the long way home today.
I know I'm reckless. Am I reckless because my subconscious is hoping for a particular permanence that does not include one of this world?
I know I'm careless. Is something deep within me hoping that one day, I won't be so lucky? And that the work will just be done for me?
God, what am I even saying right?
I'm drowning, in a deep, black hole.
I don't know if I can fight anymore.
I don't know how much more I can bear.
Death is perchance to dream, to dream for all eternity.
I'm just a shell of a being; there is nothing left of me.
I have nothing in me.
I'm just passing time. I'm not living.
Forcing myself to eat because I honestly can't feel past my arms and legs. My limbs are tingly and restless.
Like a real out of body experience. Uncontrollably drifting and floating neither here nor there.
I think I crossed a line of thought today and I don't know whether to apologize or fear for my preference to this idea. Today is the first time I've welcomed the idea of it all being gone. But death is selfish. No, suicide is selfish. And I'm too cowardly and have too much empathy for the ones who care about me. I fear for their own destruction over mine. I would rather take a ten fold amount of pain than have them hurt in any way- I choose compensation and negotiation. So what to do?
I accidentally got a paper cut today and immediately felt satisfied with the stringing sear.
That is not normal. (obviously dumbass)
Red has become one of my favorite colors this year. Rest assured, I have not picked up the knife. So you can all relax- you'd all be so proud.
And I know something is wrong. I don't need anyone to tell me that there is. I've known it for more than 10 years. But what needs to happen?
No matter how much it may seem that I need saving, I get the feeling that I actually don't want to be saved.
I deleted more contacts from my phone last night as well as wiped away the memory.
I'm tired of taking care of everyone. I want to be taken care of. I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired of being so strong and independent.
Yet at the same time, I also feel I just want to be left alone permanently and fully embrace the tempest. The thing is, I don't know what I want and I can't seem to fucking make a damn decision because what if the decision is the wrong one?