Mission Possible/Impossible?

Enough. I need to get this off my chest once and for all rather than keep it in and try to avoid/repress it, so just bear with me.

There's a reason why I am so tightly shut. I always say I won't let this happen again after it does. Really, I do a great job for a while. I keep closed for a long time until that detrimental day when I decide to idiotically take a risk, because blah blah blah life. Right? Ugh, so wrong; somebody for once urge me not to give a different one the chance and encourage me to keep protecting myself. And thus, I am still the voluntary fucking fool. And for what? My inability to forsake hope completely is ruining me. I am still the eternal optimist no matter how far I sink.

My goal right now is to erase you permanently from my mind and to just stop complaining. Even I am getting sick and tired of hearing myself, but I say that often.

I opened myself up to you; I chose to trust you. I made the stupid and foolish decision that I could let you in and that I could fall for you- just like that. Maybe eventually love you. I told you things that I keep hidden from people- everyone, because I know, the majority doesn't care. I told you things that you might not think are personal, but are too personal to me. Because you wanted to know; you kept trying to dig deeper- at least that was the facade you put up. And it came too easily with you. What were you trying to find? You seemed to be a good one this time and different. (but don't they always seem like that before they choose to be assholes?) You gave off the impression that you really wanted to know what was underneath- even when I wouldn't tell you just yet; I would've eventually though if you had kept trying. You said that it wasn't about you and that it was all about me. But you're just like the rest of them. Why go through all that effort? if you were going to just be like the rest of them? Because you sure as hell didn't get any.
I really want to say certainly that this will never happen again, but every time I swear that, it ends up happening again due to my vicious pattern of self-destruction. So let's just hope I never let it happen again- though it probably will.

So, cheers to you who restored my bitter cynicism about hopeful love and twisted faith. Thank you for bringing me back to ground level and reality, for I was definitely soaring way too high.