Reiteration

I've said it once before and I'll say it again.

Friends are fleeting.

But it's the ones who choose to stick around no matter what, no matter how much you swear you don't need them or how hard you try to push them away; those are the ones you keep. The ones that push back unrelentingly because they deep down know what you need more than you'd rather realize and admit. Those are the ones that matter and hold value.

I'm meeting my realization more and more the fact that the only ones I have let myself become attached to, are in fact the ones who have been in my life before I became completely ruined and destroyed.
My closest friends who know the real me, it's only because they've known me even before all the bullshit began and blew up. I have an inability to get close to anyone new I meet, unless they've proven worthy- very few exceptions, but you know who you are college friends. Okay, I'm rambling because I can't quite figure out the exact words I want to say to describe what it is I intend. Forgive me, I have been binging on sparkling wine with a close friend of mine this evening.

Anyway, bottom line.
It's obvious how much I don't like to get attached to people- even things to be exact- and all objects. I don't let myself become attached to the new things that come in my life because I can't. New things are too fresh and instable. I need an immense amount of reliability in my life.
Ugly truth: Why? Because I've, okay.. I can't even find the courage to type it out. Even now. I hate showing vulnerability and weakness. Lame.
I'm not going to go there. Visit the very first couple of entries from this blog, they explain everything.
I don't go backwards- I only keep moving forwards- so I can't.

And yet, I fuck up everything. Everything I love, I lose.

Wow, I must be buzzed because I've just scanned everything I've typed above and it is all pure incoherent and nonsensical crap.
Okay, whatever. That's enough for tonight. I'm probably going to not publish this ever. Cheers.