Referral

So, this story may actually be coming true. Given the right amount of courage, and me still scared out of my wits and entirely fighting the urge to just fee the other way, a meeting with my real physician will be made and followed through with (let's hope my bravery doesn't fail me) a sit down consultation. Quite soon in the near future is what's promised to help me figure out what is exactly wrong with me if and in fact there actually is something wrong with me.

As the realization of real confrontation of my issues is drawing to a close, I have to really own up to the fact that I am seriously terror-stricken and have no clue why. Maybe because if this last and final step does indeed have execution, then I will really be certain that I am as flawed and broken as I already believe myself to be.
No, that can't be it. I think it's just actually the bodies outside of myself, you know other people, who will have to become involved no matter how much I wish they would not be. The mere involvement of outside persons such as my physician, who I will need the referral from, and those I will have to encounter, of whom I have never met or let alone even known is what scares the shit out of me because as private a person as I am, I will have to speak to strangers (why is that anyway?) when I don't even speak to those closest to me because of my majorly proven trust and abandonment issues. The fact that I will have to leave the comfort of my own barriers I have meticulously built up since childhood seriously scares me.

This entry doesn't even make sense. I can't even put down my feelings onto this virtual paper because I really don't know what to say. So I just end up rambling on with these run-on/fragmented sentences in hopes I somehow strike a chord within my brain to produce something that will eventually make sense to me as a whole and ultimately satisfy my perfectionist persona. So please disregard my shitty rejections of grammar, syntax, and word choice because right now my brain is on speechless mode and anything will do.

So let me try again.
I don't even know why I am a bit freaked out. Thank god for my self-preservation keeping me sane and still attached to my skin. It's the same fight or flight feeling when encountered with an unfamiliar and uncomfortable obstacle. Just as last year when I almost sought out real counseling help, moments of walking to the clinic I immediately froze and resorted to rationalizing with myself that I was just being dumb and that nothing was wrong with me at all so that I maybe didn't have to go through with it. It starts with denial right?
What ended up happening was that I ultimately chickened out. I feigned a rescheduling and ended up not going.

What I also don't get is that I feel that I pretty much have pinpointed, analyzed, and diagnosed my issues and the roots that have caused them. It's just the getting over it part that I seem to have issues with. And believe me I'm trying, but I really feel like I need something more to help. But what is it that I need? I don't even know.

I feel like I don't fucking need some stranger to tell me why I am the way I am because of this and that that happened to me in the past because fuck, I already know. I could write a fucking book about all the roots of my issues and then some. I mean I don't need help to figure out how to express my emotions. I went to school for that.

I just want help not to feel so fucking unhappy, hopeless, and alone all the time. I want to not self-inflict harm on myself anymore. (though now that I say it, I kind of don't want to give it up; what can i say? i love it, it makes me feel good and alive)

I also feel like I don't fucking need the pity and sympathy of others. Got it?
And I especially don't need the likes of my parents and family members to feel sorry for me or god forbid feel like they've failed.
I mean sometimes I want to tell them, yeah you failed, you really fucked up, but really in truth, that's really not fair to say that and would do more hurt than good.

But that's what I mean. I guess if this starts, then it's real and the whole privacy thing goes out the window. People will actually know. And I feel like that is at times worse than just having yourself know. I am more comfortable with just myself knowing.

I really just want to keep this to myself without having to share my issues with my parents. And I know there's a whole doctor/patient confidentiality thing. But I just know that my mother will be hurt if I exclude her (which I really want to just to save her from feeling pain from my pain).

I want to be helped without anyone knowing about it.