Engulfing Awfulness

I need to do some serious self-improvement. I've realized that I have turned into someone I don't like. I need to stop letting guys treat me like shit. I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. Does it have something to do with these deep rooted daddy issues that I have always had? Do we need to consult some psychoanalytical Freudian standpoint? Let's leave out all the technicalities and just stop thinking. I just need to start doing as I used to.

I turned into this ugly person without even realizing it; whilst the entire time thinking I had everything under control and thus making a greater fool out of myself. Alcohol is an ugly demon. I need to get my life under control again. I need to not get myself into trouble. I need to not be so impulsive and think more about the consequences rather than not caring. Or even so, rather than pretending not to care. Repression really doesn't work forever. I need to stop allowing myself to put myself in these awful situations. As hard as it is to finally admit, (I say this with a whisper) I need to stop looking for love in all the wrong places. I need to be better. I need to not do things I will regret later. I need to practice all of the things I believe and believed in. I didn't know it, but I lost myself along the way of all this feigned nonchalance. I need to get back to my original ideals that I held so importantly to my core.

I need to revert back to not living with any regrets (meaning, thinking wisely before I make a decision so that I may be able to live with myself afterwards).
I need to keep moving forward, while keeping my principles and ideals still intact, without ever going back. (this is my life credo, but recently I seemed to have stopped applying it; thus leading me into inevitable awfulness which I can't stand to think about)
I need to stop caring what other people think and how they perceive me. Because they really don't matter at all and have any value within the spectrum of my being. I need to remember this.
I need to treat myself better more mentally and emotionally.
I need to try harder.
I need to love myself. The sad part is, I want to say "I need to love myself more", but I don't know if I even really love myself.

God I wish I wasn't so fucked up. When does this messed up shit even begin? At what age does the damage start to unconsciously invade to create everlasting ruining? I feel like I'm fucking borderline sometimes.

I always say I am going to try. I keep saying that. I am sick of failing.
I am sick of failing at life.
I want to break the cycle; I need to break the cycle.