Who Has Two Thumbs And Is A Goddamn Idiot?

(points at self*) This guy. I meant me, just in case you didn't get it.

Seriously, so I gave in about a couple weeks ago and messaged Stephen (I know, here we fucking go again) on, yes fucking facebook, the banes of the 21st century's existence. Well he had posted a note and it happened to pop up on my newsfeed. Mind you after I saw it I decided to hide it. Honestly I thought I had hidden him a while ago. You know, the whole letting go thing I am terribly failing at. (Though yes I may still have feelings, this not letting go is not related to the wanting to be with him factor because honestly I just don't know anymore about that part. I don't even think I want to be with him anymore. What I should do and what is are entirely differing issues)

So anyway, the note was quite depressing and of course naturally, I was worried. After many minutes of contemplating whether or not to message him or not (I didn't text because I couldn't, proud of myself for having deleted his number) Eventually I messaged him with something short and concise along the lines of, "Hey I didn't want to text you because I wasn't sure if your phone would receive it (total lie), but are you okay?" That was that.

I didn't think I would get any response til today I received a text. "Hey I'm sorry I just saw your message. Insert conversation here." And so begun a short stream of back and forth texts.

Just great, ended up re-adding him back into my phonebook. I know this is probably not the smartest thing I could ever do as of present, but hey I don't often do a lot of smart things when it comes to my own well-being.

Turns out, his dumbass girlfriend had dumped him for another guy.

My response?
I'm sorry, I didn't know whether to laugh or to seriously feel his pain for him. And so I opted for the pain with a bite of 'I fucking knew it that this shit would happen' on the end.
I can't tell you how many times I knew it in my mind and heart that she wasn't good enough for him. Really not saying that out of any "jealous" disdain from my past feelings, but really just opinion and perception from just being a good friend. Though of course I never voiced it.
I just wanted him to be happy. And that was good enough.
Goddamn, I seriously saw that shit a mile away. I fucking knew it.

But what can you do?
And now I don't know what to feel. But I know it's not the same. It can't ever be the same anymore for me because what happened still happened when it all comes down on paper with facts. Which I apologize for not explaining yet. I guess that moment will soon follow shortly in a few days after this entry. But I know I have to be smarter this time. I have to use my head more often rather than my heart that is seriously hanging by a thread on my fucking sleeve. It's just weird that it stopped hurting so much before I even realized it. It doesn't hurt like it used to when I used to think about you.