Resurfacing Loss Of Breath

Today is the first day that I let it get to me in a long time. An accidentally reminiscing over pictures last night spiraled me into this downfall. There was the one 3 years ago. I know, I know. Seems to be a lot of guys right? And it gets confusing. So we'll break it down in chronological order. These are the only ones worth mentioning. First love, the one, stephen, and fling (fling was the one I had trouble with in the beginning of this blog). These are the ones who have made a bruise among other things on me. I have never spoken about a "the one" before. There has been "this one" but never a "the one". So here goes.

I am finally talking about "the one" in this blog. And after this I probably will never speak about him again. I am actually surprised at myself for never mentioning him. But, I thought I was over him. And I really can't figure out why it still aches when I really let myself think of him. It completely expunges all the slight hurt from everyone else. Even stephen. I know right? Completely absurd.

He is the one who has hurt me the most.

This is the one I hurt stephen with. I use the past and present tense interchangeably because apparently I still am affected by it. And this is the one that I kept thinking of and wanted to be with even when I was hanging out with stephen at the same time. (By the By, just to clarify, me and stephen are and have always been just friends. We have never kissed or done anything. We have always been platonic and still are. Which only makes everything else more complicate right?)

He was and is the one that stuck. I guess it's because it ended really badly and never had retribution and real closure like all the others. The one who could never understand because his narrowmindedness couldn't look past my age and life experience. Leading him to not take me seriously and make everything I said have no merit whatsoever.
And yet, he showed me everything I was missing in emotions. Or at least so I thought. Without realizing it, what you most want is not what is necessary good for you. Even now I can't even find the right words to describe what it exactly is that I want to say. He confused me and led me on and at the same time I wanted him more than anything.

Damn, I can't believe I let it get to me last night.

It just sucks. He ruined me and yet I still think about him occasionally when my eyes flicker across a mutual relationship. I was young and he was so "perfect". So completely intellectual and people smart at the same time. So unafraid of anything and entirely adequate at protecting me. Yet, too "smart" for self-evaluation (some might coin the term: superiority complex) So stupid. I was a freaking idiot. Why are we such masochists? It must be some kind of addiction. Hah, oh wait, I am a self-proclaimed masochist for pain anyway. So it makes sense. Bottom line: I fell so in love. And I just unconsciously watched as I completely unraveled and lost myself while becoming wholeheartedly unaware of my self esteem that was slowly evaporating. And I was nothing to him. I'm always nothing.