Turbulence Part Duex

I just deleted you from my entire address book. Again. SIM phonebook as well. Again. Crying over you, yet again! At least this time, not drunk and hysterically while proclaiming my ridiculous love for you. (Oh yes, it happened. In Vegas of course)

How did I let this happen again? How did I let you back into my life, stephen? How did I manage to let my feelings creep back into my chest after I was so completely over you and ready to start a new. What made me think that I could do this again completely feeling free? I was doing so damn well.

How the hell am I actually crying right now? When I am usually incapable of relieving any sort of sadness from me.

I said I wasn't going to let this happen again. I said I wasn't going to let you hurt me again. And then you go and do what you do. And then we do this whole push and pull dance that we always do. When I try you pull away, when you start trying I pull away. Because we're almost the same person. And what gets me the most is that we are and have always just been purely platonic. Yet our relationship is so chaotic and catatonic that I don't even understand it. It's so damn hard for us. For me. All of the time. Why is that? I want to know.

Why do I always have to be the one to fall first and have the courage to do something about it?
Why can't you ever tell me the truth?
You told me in Vegas that you didn't know how you felt about me.
Then when I finally let you back in my life, when I reiterate what you told me, you told me that that wasn't true. What you said I mean. What the hell? This is so confusing and complicated.

My practiced life philosophy is to always move forward, thus making it so I am never able to go back. Never being able to go back because I am incapable of it. It makes me sick even just thinking about it because I don't like being in the same place twice and I don't like dwelling on my past indiscretions that I would often like to forget. So if this is what I always do, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally or unconsciously, why is it that I am really unable to do that with you, stephen? (All lower case on purpose)

How is it that I am unable to move forward without you and better yet, how am I able to go backwards with you? How am I capable, physically and mentally, of being thrown back into the past?

I even knew this was going to happen. I felt it. I felt the emotion creeping back starting from my limbs and end up in the warmth of my chest. I just hoped I could repress and ignore it long enough for it to go away.

I kept meaning to talk to you. You even visited me at work this past week. I have even been trying, well as much as I could. How could I believe and try to proposition that we could just forget about everything and start fresh? Old habits die hard I suppose.

I called you today. I wanted to call you at 10 right when I woke up, but I didn't for fear it would be too early. So I went back to bed and called you later when I woke up. You picked up, but your phone, as it always does, dropped the call. Even our phones aren't in sync. We have the worse phone communication ever.

I tried calling you back, twice. Didn't work. I texted you a small joke about our phones hating each other and to call me back. And then my reliable brain starting to brood again.

I blame this completely hormonally imbalanced and emotional week. I have been up and down all week and having my period is what probably made it so insane.

I texted you again, something like, I don't know why this is so hard, I don't know whether to push or pull away.
And then after a bit, after arriving to a conclusion, that I couldn't do this anymore. That I just can't do this again. That I can't get hurt by you again, even though I just did. But the hurt was probably my own doing to myself than from him. But more so that I cannot allow myself to do it all over again. I realized this past week that I am now back to square 1. After all this time and progress. And all to do it all over again.
So I texted you a final text, "stephen I can't don't think I can do this anymore".

Letting you go is the hardest thing by far for my present life. 4 years of history. Only to arrive to this terrible conclusion. How could a relationship, a mere platonic friendship at that, be so complicated and difficult for us?

We're like the same person. We can't get close to each other 'cause we're scared to get close to and let anyone in on that level. We came to the mutual decision, albeit not at the same time, to just leave it at that. Well for you, you said that you just accepted how we are and that you'd always be there for me. For me, I know I have to let you go. I love you, but I need to love myself more.

I have been ready for the longest time for you. But you can never seem to catch up.

And there's also the issue and great fear that this could all just be in my head and that I am making something out of nothing.
I guess we'll never know.

This is me, letting you go, again. Trying to let you go, again.