"This Is The First Day Of My Life"

This is day 1.

I actually went to go see my physician today. I am at work, but will update this entry when I get some free time.

Update*** 4:01pm
So indeed I began my day with a trip to my family physician to get some answers and yes my main agenda was for anti-depressants. Lo and behold, I do exhibit many many symptoms, if not all of them, of depression. I spoke to my doctor about things, seriously the whole time scared out of my mind to reveal such a private matter. And my physician is absolutely wonderful and completely relatable. (Hence our familial loyalty to him) He said that depression is very common, but almost one of the hardest things to treat. Especially with Asians and their nature to think that life is supposed to be tough and sad and that one is just supposed to deal. He also said that it is indeed not normal to be sad all the time. He related possibilities of what causes depression and it really being a chemical imbalance and the possibility of a thyroid problem that highly affects an imbalance. Also that it could be hereditary as well. Thank god, finally some answers.

And get this, I actually teared up. You know, in the way that I can only tear up from emotion when speaking serious about a very private subject that never gets spoken or only if I am really angry/frustrated. 'Cause unfortunately, I can only tear up or cry (and if ever, it is really only tears and never complete bawling; I don't know, I am just unable to cry) when I am really angry and frustrated about a situation or when confronting an issue. Sucks. I can't help it, the tears just come. I hate how I feel so weak whenever they come. They come when I least ask for it and never come when I do want them.

Anyway, he gave me a 4 week sample of Lexapro. Believe me, I have never heard of this one before and I have done my research given my condition that has gone on for years and years. He said it was this new brand that is supposed to have the least side effects. Which in my case is definitely very good, seeing as my body does not receive drugs well. Yeah body on the weak side since birth. (Could it have been the heart murmur? or the other complications; who knows?)

So then he drew some blood for some tests, which I am worried about seeing as I know I have no been healthy at all. So I am just a little frightened of what might be found.
I took the Lexapro once I got back to work. Then I got some tacos because tacos always make everything better.

A little while after digestion, I don't know what it was, but I started to feel sick. I mean I had already felt a bit woozy probably from the blood drawn, but yeah I still felt a bit nauseated. And then I felt drowsy. The doctor had warned me that could happen. He told me if I took it and felt drowsy, then it was best to take it at night. And then he said if I took it and I couldn't sleep at night, then it was best to take it in the morning.

So looks like I'll have to take it at night, but honestly I feel that this is the best bet because I will finally have sound sleep rather than my usual unable to sleep well ordeal. (I usually have such a hard time falling alseep and staying asleep for the entire night)

And so it began with the nausea and then the nausea mixed with drowsiness. And then the drowsiness with starting to feel better, and now I actually feel quite well. I mean, still a bit woozy, but I figured I am tired too because I could not for the life of me get any sleep at all last night. (Went to be at 12am lied restless until 2am and then tried harder) But I do a lot better now in contrast to the slight nausea earlier. (Sweeet!)

But I don't know if it's a placebo effect or what not, but I do feel slightly better emotionally, or at least I did. I just suddenly got a sharp jolt of sunken sadness in my chest. (But I do feel slightly lighter and not as sunken) But the doctor did say that every body is different and so the medication will work accordingly. (Said some patients had it immediately in 2 weeks and then others it took 3 months or so to feel better)

And if I had known it would be that easy, I probably would've done it a long time ago. Gotta love that stubborness and inability to show any sort of weakness trait.

So, I guess we shall see where this leads me.

Oh! And by the by, I am scheduled to get my tattoos tomorrow! Hopefully everything will go as swimmingly as planned and I will get both. But I would be happy getting the one on my back first. I seriously cannot wait!

Cheers with love.