Strangely Resurrected

I died.
But I came back as a restored and resolutely undaunted imprint of me.

I feel like I'm back. Sort of, or at least recovering and coming back to myself. You know, the familiar girl I talk about at times- the one I used to be, of whom I actually loved. The one who lived her life rather than passed through the motions of it. The girl I was before I got lost and of whom I could genuinely be proud of.

What brought on this regenerating? Who knows, but i think it's been happening since the start of this week. (strange how so many change of events can occur in such a small amount of time, but hey that's life for you- let it go and just go with it) Maybe time and perspective are finally kicking in and doing work. Or maybe it's the downpour change in weather, the cleansing and thus replenishing and chance renewal for everything. Whatever it is, something is healing. Incredible.

I'm even reading again, thoroughly engrossed, actually paying attention, and not wanting to stop at all for anything, like I used to. I'm beginning to want to write about real stuff again, like I used to. Not to mention the progressive trials and tribulations (though yet still overall amazing) in the poetry endeavor.You have no idea how good that feels. I'm finally feeling like myself again with lust for life.

Okay on another note and thought, is it weird just how liberated and positively carefree I feel after making up my mind to be rid of all and any relationship potentials? After deciding to honestly just be single and refrain from getting involved further hence, I feel so much more free. Really and entirely so much more free, in a very good way of course. I feel like I can actually breathe again and that a huge suffocating weight has been lifted off of my chest now; it's as if a spell of crisp and fresh air has come in the room through an opened door and left a clean and soft light hue of burden free atmosphere. I feel immensely better and fully relieved after getting rid of all the strings that were being put on me.

Naturally I am a bit confused again about all this fickle-mindedness and what it means or what I want. But at least I know more about what I want now and what I absolutely don't want at present.

I don't want to date anyone anymore and play around like a robot just 'cause I can for entertaining distraction and 'cause it's too easy when it doesn't count and your heart's not in it. (mind you, playing around does not mean sleeping around or even physical contact for the matter. as you can tell, i hardly ever let anyone get even remotely close to me, almost never, they'd have to really know me- ladies get it together, you don't have to be sluts to get a guy) I am afterall all heart and my heart is somewhere else. I don't and haven't been able to feel anything for anyone anymore. Okay but that's another topic discussion and speculation for another time.

I choose to just be single and not ready to mingle. I am staying completely guy free with no hazy thought clouds in my head. Haha I really mean it this time; I am determined to try very hard not to play around and go through guys any longer. And really, that cannot be very good for my karma lol. (oops. well I guess amending starts now?)

I want to just enjoy life and fun ambience again. I want to live again- live in the moments, live in the meaningful fun, but I think I've already begun to before I even realized it. Let's just hope this lasts, fingers crossed.