Locksmith

I'm locking my heart away for a very long time and burying it deep where it can't ever be found. I don't ever want to feel this way again, or anymore. I can't explain it, the feeling. I feel everything all at once, like it's some kind of smothering by a collective teamwork of everything that makes it ache and my lungs short of breath. I mean everything, a thousand images going through my mind while simultaneously re-living and re-feeling hard fragments of the initial pierced moments. I'm really tired of not being able to breathe at times or needing to breathe more quick breaths for the matter. I've given too much of my heart and everything away having sent it out into the universe unknowingly. And by the time I realized it, it was -as always- too late to backtrack for safety and saving. As much as I try to 'survival tip #1' it like crazy, this is my one greatest problem that I can't ever seem to shake- this is what eats at me and ultimately is destroying me. And I don't know how to completely let everything bad that's ever happened or every regret go. I think this may be the true reason to my acting out episodes, I don't ever feel safe and I suppose I unconsciously desperately need to? I can't make sense of this bullshit. Yet either way, it's honestly becoming unbearable and all too uncomfortable to carry around day to day. I only seem to be able to sleep well when it's daylight, but life doesn't stop just because you do. I have serious trouble falling asleep at night. Thus, sleeping it away is not an option anymore no matter how much I wish it. I'm tired all the time, so drained. The only time I feel the least bit good is when I'm driving nonstop in my car, windows rolled down, marlboro -though I'm trying to cut down again- in left between my index and middle, and blasting feel good music. (of course dancing it out always helps, but you can't do that all the time- it's easier to use the torque from a car to get the same exhilarated physical momentum without having to do all the work) And I've found myself lately wasting more gas than I should, taking the long way home or aimlessly just driving without destination on long roads, just to be able to stay in drive that much longer. I don't want it, I can't have this.

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