Ending

Thanks for watching as I fell and fall.
It's been about two weeks? maybe more, maybe less I think, since we've spoken.

But I'm not asking for anything, I never have. I just need to get this out there so I don't have to carry it with me anymore and I can move forward once again.

I just wanted you to never lie to me and to really be there. There's a difference, but maybe it's just too impossible for us. You don't know how badly I want to call you right now (though you're so unreachable it probably wouldn't make any difference) or to just have the comfort of you next to me. But, that's something I cannot let myself do.

Best of friends/close friends (i didn't write best friends)/whatever it is we are or were, don't leave, period. Or want out because it gets too crazy and tough. It's an unconditional never ending supply of support, consideration, and reassurance. They know to take care and always be around, pushing their existence through the walls and into your life, always making their presence known (as i tried and cared for you), regardless of how much you withdraw.

I know I've done that before and shut you out, but that was a different time, before we supposedly had this 'great' breakthrough and then I let you in.

I'm too prideful to really admit that I need you (though your pride is greater), now more than ever, though I absolutely earnestly and realistically shouldn't. Really. But I'm fortune's fool. Because nothing even or ever matters to you and I should know better. At least by now. If anything- I'll be fine, I'm doing fine, I'm always fine, like always. I'll get over this, like I always do. And I'll learn to sleep alone again, without you.

But stupid me, I believed everything you said and eventually about everything you pushed about being 'best friends' (valid term best friends still not used. can't tell the difference? quotes detract meaning and create different emphasis idiots) I'm once again the fucking idiot who should've never let her guard down. That title, best friends, to me isn't given away lightly, it's a special place and treatment reserved for only one worthy who has been through it all, all the scariness and still comes back for more. I only have one and she's considered family to me. Maybe it should've remained that way, just one, but I believed in the good part of you. I don't know why, but I always have- absurdly still do; thus, I made room and accommodated for an addition. You probably shake your head at my unwavering faith in people and gullibility as you recollect my foolishness.

What's the right and good thing for a person isn't ever the wanted thing, thus making the feat all the more difficult. And the wanted thing is never what is good and right, but is indeed the leading smart decision.

From what I've tried and perceived, you're just too unemotional and unfeeling. I've tried so hard to get to you, but that only resulted in adverse effects. And I'm sorry for everything. Everything. And those will be my things to bury.

I wish I had never trusted to tell you my secrets- to let you know the real me, to want to let you know me. I wish I never tried with you and said a word. I wished I never believed you wholeheartedly or decided to let you in. I told you how I supposed that I was never even close to being on your list of importance, but you said otherwise. Did you believe you? Because it all ended up to be just a quick fluke- meaningless to you. And here we are now, back to where we began. Me, at a major loss bottom low, and you, on top shining and good as always as everything turns out to be, and you're not here now. I am the biggest fool of all to ever believe the masochistic one way self-serving cycle could ever be different and better. That I could ever be redeemed and compensated by karmic goodness.

You didn't change, you just adapted. Okay, yes I absolutely agree, you have become better, but look at the entire picture. You don't genuinely, really, consider anyone but you, deep down. Face it, take a re-evaluation and look, it's unfortunately true and all there. You and I are not dumb to say the least, and you've got such a smart brain. But truth, you take it all -everything- and you don't care or think, about anything or anyone. That's how it's always been, for years. I should've known nothing would ever make it. I wish I knew what you were thinking, I never know. I can't read you. You've blocked out life without realizing, henceforth becoming merely a bystander- just watching the passing by. And I wish(ed) more for you, hop(ed) greater for you. I wish you'd fight for something, anything.

I wish(ed) you'd let yourself live and feel things. The worst part is I know I'll always be too forgiving no matter how many times I swear never again. A glutton for punishment. You'll probably disappear as expected, though I wish you wouldn't. You should know that you can always count on me and that I'd never fail you, I think I can say that I've proved that already if you look back into our history- I'm still here. And I'm still proving it, although you probably never think about me. But, I do wish you more than all the best and luck the world has to offer. I mean it; yet, when do I ever not mean it? But I can't keep doing this, I can't keep pushing and pulling with you, hoping you'll let me in all the while stirring shit up only making shit crazier; I cannot be strung along any longer. I'll just have to get myself to not miss you anymore and not want you around anymore. Wow, I sound quite pathetic- so over all this mushy crap. It was a great couple months while it lasted. The second worst part is, that you just and don't even know. But this is all that I have left.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7