Steel And Conclusions

So it's been I would say, a couple weeks since I've indulged. I haven't at all since I woke up all marked up without much recollection to how it all got there. Yet, I've realized that I need to really start being more careful because it's getting complicated. Warmer weather is approaching fast and people are actually far too observant than I gave them credit for, surprise surprise. (ie; my mother and friends) I'm so used to being the only one who notices every little detail that I'm suddenly taken a back when others eyes have started to gaze unnecessary attention. Thus having to perfect even further my quite impressive and all too convincing lying skills, but even that can only go so far. I can hardly feign a contiguous clumsiness -though very clumsy I may be- when there are just so many instances being asked to be explained. I know, realize, and understand that I cannot continue to maintain this habit any longer. But with everything changing and me so adept at discarding and starting a new, I have to divulge, I've already been feeling that I won't need to tamper anymore. I have this good radiating rise in my chest at times now amongst the dark place turmoil. I feel a new sentiment of positive and bright change developing that might soon be well executed out to full extent- optimistically speaking naturally. (of course elaborations of why will be supplied in due time, but I need time first) I'm so ready to be better and leave all the bad stuff behind. I'm so ready to be over all of my unappealing messy dark places and jump start my dominating nonchalance again. I'm so ready to be me again rather than this sorry shell of a person who keeps relapsing and falling back after declared new starts. I really want to start getting my shit together and be a better person not just internally but external physical actions as well. Didn't I tell you I would probably be so over dealing with all of these stupid messes by the end of the weekend? But, no more self declarations of new beginnings, let's just take it all slowly day by day, moment to moment and see how it goes. Here's to hoping for tomorrow lovers.

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