Patterns And Facts; Why Still The Self-Astonishment?

So, I dug a little further into these past couple years by clicking through the archives and I have realized, I seriously jump from guy to guy. Quite hectically, turbulently, violently, destructively, abusively, addictively, chaotically, crazily, flippantly, capriciously, stridently, and then some more adverbs.

Last Friday as I was having dinner with the best, we discussed our patterns with guys. She mentioned her familiar pattern and how she waits for a specific act to happen and then she's completely done with them, but in the meantime hopelessly devoted yet disinterested at the same time until that particular event occurs.

It got me thinking to my own vicious pattern and seeing as I have been doing some ultimate soul searching these past couple years, I figured I would skim through the sporadic records of my life.

What I came to find out- no, what I got hit with hard was, with my fickle personality, I go through guys. I must have gone through so many different guys this past year and up to now. And only the ones I have written about are the important ones- you know, the ones I have felt something for, there are also the ones who are so insignificant that they aren't even on my radar. Sorry guys, but at least I was honest. But, so many. Every time I try to stay and remain single, it never works out. Why is that? Besides the part where it's too much fun and too easy all at the same time. But what about the tragic and disastrous parts? Yeah, I seem to get a lot of those. I'm working on weeding out infatuation and applying more logical common sense. (go me for trying to stop the fool episodes) You know, narrowing it down and people out because it all comes down to one.

My pattern being that I always go for the assholes that end up treating me like shit. And whenever I meet a nice guy, I'm so neutral and disinterested that it's all way too easy because they never stood a chance to begin with. Even my friends have said that to me that the guy never stood a chance. Why is that? Could it stem from the definitely there mentally internal father issues from childhood? The major abandonment issues I obviously possess? Or my apparent commitment issues that coincide? Is it secretly the challenge? What am I searching for? Is it the adverse after effects later that I crave? Do I choose these guys while secretly knowing and wishing they'll leave as to ensure an everlasting impermanence? Is it the intentional distance automatically provided and maintained that keeps me strung along because it prevents any opportunity to really get close to me? Is it the tragedy that I love? Am I just addicted to pain? What is it? What's with these undiscerning deep rooted psychological issues screwing us over and over again that leave us internally handicapped?

I know my pattern, I may not know the reason behind it, but I do know it. Much to my advantage, I have been trying to break down the pattern and break the cycle starting from almost a month now by letting the nice guys talk to me and not completely writing them off. Yes, I may be in Switzerland territory (neutral, you idiots), but I am starting to deduce and understand that maybe it's a good thing to stay neutral because then you can think more clearly. We all ideally know that it's the ones that start slow and take time which end up meaning something. We know it, but we never follow it most of the time. Everything moves too fast now in this day and age. Subtlety and courtship is gone. That's why it all goes wrong, when you jump into things fast. Shit happens when you don't think straight. And now everybody just wants to get laid. Whatever happened to the good stuff?

I want the dream.

It would be better to not deal with guys altogether, but that's also me shutting out good risk, chance, and the world out- which I try to do way too often. My friends tell me all the time that I need to stop shutting people out, so there this and that is.

I fall in and out of absolutely absurd devastation (I even think they're really dumb situations homies) so quickly all the time with the wrong guys, so I've finally decided to do the opposite of my normative instant gratification behavior and dumbass blinding want instinct. By giving the guys completely opposite from what I am used to, attracted to, and interested in a chance to show me something else. I've changed a 180 in my behaviour and perspective on things. Doing everything I possibly can different as to break my cycle. Taking everything with very very slow caution and weighing in realistic and practical terms along with it. This cycle breaking seems to be progressing for the better thus far. I hope it might be working and I know this is good for me.