Blocked

I think I've hit a wall. I've been beginning to realize that these past couple months, my writing has become impaired and definitely lacking in technique and vernacular. And also lacking in substance and stimulus. It's stopped flowing and my thoughts aren't together anymore. It's not as easy for something fresh to come out of me anymore like it used to. Things seemed to have slowed down the working wheels in my head. And I don't like it- I don't like it at all, as I am writing everything out, I myself know that the words are too rudimentary and crap. I've even mentioned it a lot in many entries. Definitely way below sub-par. It's like my brain isn't learning anything new or being stimulated at all. And it feels as if I have lost whatever it is I tried so hard to achieve with the written word. I hate it.

I think I've hit a wall, or I really fear that I've gotten dumber or less sharp. Is that even possible? I feel like I am just repeating the same vocabulary and basic informal words over and over again that it's really been making me sick of even my own voice. For quite some time now. Maybe I am just really writing way too much. You know, when you do something too much that it changes in a way. It becomes too routine and casual that something in your hardware wiring becomes slightly desensitized.

I'm trying to pinpoint exactly when my brain started going downhill. I'm thinking maybe somewhere around last September? But I started realizing and getting sick of it from I would say mid-November or December. I don't get it. I've been writing almost everyday, you'd think that would've kept my mind sharp, but I suppose my entries are lacking substance because all I ever talk about is pure crap now. Nothing at all about real philosophies or anything. I mean I've had a few small breakthroughs, but everything else these past several months have all just been so goddamn pathetic and horrible in formalism and articulation. And even my breakthroughs, the content compared to when I first started this blog and the year after, they still don't compare.

It's all shit. You'd think my brain would be further developing, but it actually feels like it's declining and deteriorating. I hate this. When did it all become so superficial? Do you think maybe it's because I've been too consumed with crap surface drama and the business working world when it all started going downhill? I've been too much around simplicity and those who I have to dumb down my speech for. (I can't even find the right or exact words to try to explain what I even mean) This doesn't even make any cohesive sense. Does it make sense? Immerse yourself long enough in or with something and they start to rub off onto you.

I feel like I'm getting dumber the longer I am in this tedious work environment. Around business people who don't have very good communication or language skills- we all know they are different from written word aficionados- different languages are spoken. They don't think of things and words in terms of beauty and and art form with literature like us kindred spirits do. They are more pragmatic. Trust me, their minds are different and we all can understand and know just how many different kinds of people populate the world. I think I've even written about them in past entries regarding majors. You can tell how a person thinks with the fields they have studied or are interested in. (just like people who have studied engineering, mathematics, biology, etc.) It's an easy tell and read. Sorry I don't mean to sound pretentious or snobby, but I really can't I haven't even find the right words to express what I've been feeling for months. I haven't even written any poetry since I don't know when, I did however pick it up last night, but nothing good came out of it- just a few mediocre sentences.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Have I hit a real block? It's all become too common than I can stand. I think I need a break (though not sure how long that will last since I'm addicted to the written word) to recharge and envelope myself in something more, something beautiful or enlightening for a while for some inspiration rather than the common and simple majority world of our century that I really loathe so much; I need to surround myself with those who I can intellectually and knowledgeably grow with. I know I have been getting my shit together, but I need an existential literary vision or awakening or something- or possibly need to rack in some Brain Age hours. Maybe even a miracle.