Soaked Chemistry, Digression, And More Emerged Theorizing

Why is it that when nothing is going on, absolutely nothing is going on. And yet when there is a slight of attraction, a whole deluge floods towards my direction.

It's strange that when there is no further executed interest in me, there is none. And when someone happens to have the smallest inkling of attraction towards me, everyone starts to drift my way like a fly attracted to a black light. This is insane.

But again, I am still not interested in getting involved whatsoever right now. It's been that way for about 8 months, and it's still going strong.

Part of me really just doesn't want to deal with it right now. I want to be selfish and focus what energy and worry spots in my brain I have, to myself. I have learned how to love myself, but I still have yet to learn how to care for my existing being.

I am a high risk klutz, the very epitome of clumsiness and mess. You could say that I am way too careless. And you'd be right. I need to learn how to care for myself. Taking care and caring are two different things. One is the physically active and logical action, while the other is emotional and mental empathy sprinkled with consideration. I need to work on the latter.

Most of the time I just don't really care what happens to me. It's taken a long time for me to realize just that. And it's hard to really understand and accept. It's painstaking to analyze and break down your own way of living because people are always running away from the truth- they never want to hear or see what isn't pleasing. And I am fully flawed, so you can trust that it was definitely quite a feat to bypass my obstinate nature. Startling realization to come to isn't it?

I seem to care what happens to everybody else around me so much that I become protective and motherly, but with my own body, not so much. It just doesn't occur to me, it's like it doesn't even register in my brain to do so.

Growth development for human beings never ends. And it definitely is always a trial and error with me to try and get it right when I usually mess things up to begin with.

I spoke to someone a while ago, catching up, I mentioned how I had been working on myself for the past couple months, figuring out what I want to do- thinking a lot about myself while working through things. And he said, "Oh, so you're still doing that."

Yes, I still am. How could you think that I still wouldn't be? Learning and growing never ends. You should've known better, should've known me better than that.
My search for intellectual expansion is never-ending. It's just such a shame and waste that it isn't like that with most people out there. It's a shame when people just stop at a certain point in life and they remain the same from that time on. Their thirst for emerging innovation through cognizant learning just disappears. It's depressing. The door just closes, willingly.

I hope I never become like that. I hope I will always be trying to become a better me. I hope I will always be striving towards rising mental and emotional development. To me, that's what living is. It isn't just a mere series of physical actions, it's just so much more than that. It's somehow trying to tap into a secret part of your mind and your own true world that you see through your own rose colored glasses. It's the untapping of something so new and refreshing, coming up with completely original thoughts just from picking your own brain or the others of kindred souls.

That is what I live for. It is my special and coveted something that is entirely all of my own. It's what keeps me thriving. The certain knowing and finding out of true self, without all the clouding bullshit this too fast paced and desensitized atmosphere of presently new era enables, finding out that you actually have something that is entirely untouched by the corruption of the new century. And the exalted reaping satisfaction of the possessed notion that this unconditional passion transmits to your bodily existence.

You cannot begin to fully make anything right or make anyone happy, you can't start anything and fully succeed gloriously, without the full confidence of understanding and learning of your independent self. You first need to find out what makes you thirst, what satiates it, what makes you happy, without any external factors, before you can immaculately accomplish the dream. Your dream. It's our lives and up to us how we choose to maneuver what every realm of the universe has to offer and how to essentially really live.