Heavy Exhaust

I'm so tired of taking care of everyone. I'm sorry, I don't mean to complain, but I do need an outlet, and this is mine.

It's all just so utterly exhausting, always taking care of everyone. I don't know how my mother does it, before I was old enough to help out, it seems like she does everything for everyone. My obligations and responsibilities are only a fraction of what hers are. It's such a heavy obligation. I literally feel like there's just a huge weight on my shoulders that just really does physically weigh me down. And I still consider myself to be quite sheltered to the ways of the world. There is so much I don't know, and I hate that. I hate that I can't protect myself from that.

Slowly but surely, I realize as I am getting older, more tasks are being pushed towards me. And course, it's as it should be, the older you become, the more you're supposed to be responsible for. But it really just gets to me sometimes. I spoke a long time ago about invisible yet very strongly bound strings that tie a person to life long obligations, it just gets to me from time to time. It gets to me at times so much that I am beginning to realize more and more just how precious space and personal solitude is. And of course, my brother who is 5 years older than me doesn't do shit to help out the family at all.

There's just me. Since when did the youngest become the one to have to take care of everyone?
I've been taking care of myself my entire life. My brother's never taken care of me, and my parents have never been around because they were busy working, trying to create a better life for us. Then now I take care of all my friends out of unconditional love and I try and care for my brother when he's around too. The thing is, people would say, "then why don't you just stop?" But that's the thing, I just do it naturally and habitually. It isn't as if I am trying to take care of everyone, it just happens- I just easily fall into the mold. Maybe it has something to do with Virgos being natural nurturers, but I wasn't kidding when I said it can mess with a person's mind because I often find myself not caring about myself at all, and only having concern for others. I am a big protector. I like to protect those I care about. And yeah, I can't help that it's like that. It's just how I'm made.

I guess it may be the natural empathy being exposed too, if I don't take care of them, who will? And who am I not to care for them, what kind of person would I be if I just let my friends or loved ones get themselves into really troubled messes, when I know I could've helped them to begin with so it all could've been prevented? And don't get me wrong, it isn't the meddling kind of 'help', I do not meddle or stick my nose and voice in to things that do not concern me. In fact, I let people do what they want because it is their life, and if they need me, they know how to find me and I will definitely try my best to be there for them. But anything else, just isn't my business or problem. I accept people for who they are, unless they're being really fucked up towards people, myself included- that's just not cool, ever. We're at an age where you should be able to make your own life choices and take full responsibility for your extended actions. I don't know, I just treat people how I would like to be treated. But everyone is different and to each their own. Yet, people will treat you how you let them treat you. So if you allow them to treat you like shit, then that's something you'll have to work out on your own. It's up to you to accept and understand your self worth, and it's something I've been working on as well. So no judgment about that here.

And now, I am being introduced to the world of taking care of my grandparents as well, even though they have 4 children, my aunts and uncles- not including their spouses, yet, the responsibility still rests on me- at least, it is beginning to really rest on me. I am beginning to be introduced to all their paperwork. So now it's not only helping to handle my mothers legal matters, client correspondence, renter's Home Association crap, and other things, but also, aiding my grandparents in their Naturalization process, Medical plans, Jury Duty, and etc. To be honest, I don't mind. Having familial piety and duty comes with the territory of a Chinese/Taiwanese first generation daughter. But, it does become suffocating sometimes. Sometimes I feel like these invisible walls are slowly caving in on me and that I have a hard time breathing. I already worry about too much to begin with, and now growing up and being a young adult comes with a whole other package to handle and overcome. Sometimes it is just so tough, I don't know if I can do it.

You'll ask me, "Don't know if you can do what?" Well, it's a simple answer, I don't know if I can keep living and growing older when everything just becomes more and more unraveled and hectic with hard pressed obligatory responsibilities. It makes me feel like crying when I allow myself to just let it engulf me. It's almost too much to bear. There is so much pressure and so many worrisome things just contiguously hovering over my head.

I feel, I am only 23 years old, I'm not grown up enough for this yet. Yet anyone else would say that you're old enough now. It's daunting. But you press on right? Because there's nothing else you can do. And you have to make it in life because there is no other option. Yet, all I want to do is move away and start all over. But with every action there is a reaction because everything in life is so closely intertwined with traditional values, ideologies and generational gaps. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems, though I wish it were. And after all this, the only thing you really can do is to keep on breathing, because quitting is for cowards.