I don't know why, but I always seem to feel so much better after the gym. It's like all the pent up pressure in my chest manages to dissipate to just a light fog afterwards. It's probably, definitely, the natural release of endorphines one's body produces after being active and a increased heart rate. But let's not get all scientifically technical here haha.
Anyway, it just seems to calm me down. I try and go every day, but that's rough because therr isn't enough hours in a day. So, at least 3-4 times a week is the ideal quota.
I find it incredible what the process does to me, even just a day or two not having exercised, and I become fitful and moody. Haha, I become rather an unpleasant and hyper-sensitive person who just snaps at people for no reason. Yeah, I feel bad about that once I've come to my senses, but at the time- these violent bursts of emotions cannot be explained.
I sometimes really wish I were normal. Because what most people don't understand is, every day, every moment, is a struggle. For me, for people who have these bodily imbalances/disorders, it's not something we ever wanted for ourselves. I wouldn't wish this on anybody else. It's not something we chose or invented, more so, it chose us through evolution and biology. And we'll never know specifically why.
There's emotionally ill, and there is mentally ill. Combined, they feed off one another to survive and thrive. They aren't apart for me. The ingenius teamwork causes everything else to escalate out of control. If it were only just emotional trauma and not my brain causing everything, then I might actually have a standing chance.
Yes, there is therapy, medication, and aid as well as other options I suppose, but it's different for every person. You can rationalize and understand, break down and analyze as much as you want or can, but ultimately there's honestly no naturally physical way of preventing the emergence of constant erratic emotional moods.
I just really wish more normal lucky, haha yet daft, people knew that though, so they would attain the ability to understand where we're coming from a lot better.
I'm even trying to break it down and understand the biology of it myself, but even the strongest mentalities and will powers can't suffice explanation or prevention for these unbearable and often quite self-annoying sentiments.
They just happen. Some think that it's something that can be cured, and if you're one of lucky ones, quite possibly you just may be cured (and of course there are so many diverse cases), but I personally don't think it is something of which can so easily be labeled as curable. At least in my case and category.
It isn't something that just goes away forever. It's a biologically recurring disease that knows no bounds or expectations. It's like cancer, but for the mind and soul. Lol, yes, I just compared it to cancer. But truth be told, they're one and the same to me (haha, err.. sort of, well you know what I mean)- they're on the same level of damage, scariness, reparation, and unpredictability.
It's part of who I am, it's something that was added in to my DNA as I was being randomly pieced together and chromosomally engineered. It's something that I have always had ever since I was created. I don't remember a time not feeling a slight bit of something from this havoc zone. It's just now more pronounced since I am an adult now and I am able to understand things better than when I was a child.
Flashback. Lol, god, what sometimes astounds me is the image of me in 3rd grade, partaking in self-mutilation. I was so sheltered (still sort of am) I didn't even understand the reason behind my executions, I just knew it made me feel better afterwards, it gave me relief. As a kid, you only take and understand things from face/surface value.
Looking back and trying to understand and rationalize, it isn't the first time I have tried to get to the bottom of it all, thinking there might really be a cure, that if I found the root, it could all just disappear if I worked through it enough, but that was a long time ago, and I don't do that anymore. Now my past just astounds me to no end. I was so naive; I consciously had no clue whatsoever about anything going on in me.
I have gone over every part of my life, over and over in my head, and I understand the reasons behind the actions and executions. I understand the why behind the why I act the way I do and have done. But knowing all that, just like therapy and talking everything out supposidly trying to soak up any ounce of 'help' with hopes to 'get better', so what? So what, I know- all that talking and thinking still doesn't make a bit of difference. I am still me. I have worked through everything, understood it, evolved, and come out on top; yet, I am still me. My biological make up is still the same.
Medication is finally working, but I still have my downs, they haven't disappeared. I don't suppose they ever will, and I don't see how I could ever not be on medication now that I know how much it amazingly helps to steady me and make me more pleasant. I don't see how I can naturally re-balance myself if that is just how my physical body is in its natural state. I don't see how I can ever live my life naturally without hinderance.
But, I do know that I love who and what I am entirely. Haha I know, finally right? But I do need to learn to acquire more patience in life. So, there's that. Cheers lovers. <3
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