Enough

Enough. I don't have time nor do I want to waste it allowing stupid thoughts to constantly circumvent the spectrum of my mind. I have more important things to do. They need to leave already- I'm tired of all the redundant repetition of teasing nonchalance and progressive hope and then the retracting of it. (and it keeps happening! but not for lack of trying- the mechanics of the human cerebrum are unfathomable) I wish they had never been collected with the moments to begin with; I wish they could quite successfully be 'eternal sunshine on the spotless mind' wiped away.

But enough of these antics, and I'm sorry for my actions.
I have yet to master the art of letting go, but I will one day.
I know I need to grow up regarding my impulsive childish actions and not allow myself to fall into wallowing emotional self-loathing and thus creating more destruction. (and with all of the stupid executed effects and results that come with it because they surely are just making it all worse) It's all so unnecessary. I need to find a way to trigger my subconscious to really move forward when my conscious mind has already made up its mind, so the unwanted further destruction doesn't keep repeating itself.

I want and need to do away with all destruction/disaster enablers and habits so that I can get my shit together again. The only time I seem to be completely content and gratifyingly in control is when I am entirely sober from everything so it doesn't fuck with my medication. You'd think I would've learned my lessons already. Though I have not been participating in inebriated debauchery much at all anymore. Yet, the age and generation of my youth creeps up on me once in a while. It's a huge conundrum and even bigger dilemma when you're battling demons and skeletons. And being the imperfect and completely flawed person I am, yeah, it is no easy feat. (think I'm asking too much of myself? probably, and I know the whole low self worth and low self esteem thing is because of the whole depression caused from some deep rooted childhood disorder like separation anxiety disorder or some shit thing from environmental interactions- I should probably consult a psychiatrist to find out what exactly I have because it's complicated, but either way, why shouldn't anyone expect the best out of everything?)

I need to gain control of my subconscious the way I have complete control over my conscious self.
Sounds near impossible. (like a jedi mind trick sort of deal huh? lol) Well, I'm actively working on it and checking myself. But all of this self-affirming is just all part of a package deal, a part of a process working towards a greater goal. I have written about it, a long while ago. Yet, I haven't published it for my own reasons, but all in due time.
Despite all of this self-critiquing, I still love who I am. Life is an ever-shaping and improving process of which never ends (I will probably repeat and apply that until the day I die) and I am my own worst worst critic who has high expectation for everything- most of all myself. So there's that haha.