I wish every fiber in my being didn't scream out that I was so completely not normal. That there isn't something physically and internally wrong with my body and mind. That I really didn't need help. It's getting to the point where I'm actually scared that I will really harm myself physically even further than I already have. Realizing thoughts, of me considering that I might actually be a danger and harm to myself, are beginning to frighten me. It's taking all of my will just to get out of bed every morning, all my will not to burst into sensitive tears at any slightest stupid occurrence. I don't know if I'm going to make it. What's worse, I'm beginning not to care again anymore.
Once the cynic pulls me back to my senses, I'm going to feel like such a fool for letting me fall back into the hole. For getting sucked back in to the bell jar. But, this is not a game or a joke. And for now, I feel like I'm already dead.
Spotlight
- mynameisjane
- hi, with warning. i am entirely damaged and crazy with masochistic tendencies and an addictive self-destructive personality. but i am in the trials of self-recovery- though thoroughly failing in the process, here's to hoping- one day- someday. in form of pure tried articulation of the written word, this space keeps the highly erratic and darkly emotional self reflection of my contemplative life with bits of sunshine scattered in between. i am a mess; i absolutely create disasters and inevitably fuck everything up. so decide if you are one who actually thinks and chooses for his own mind or one who is fated to predestined cowardice, forever running away like the rest of the narrow minded sheep in this world and unable to embrace the violent and bittersweet storm of harsh realness.
2 comments:
The incredible part of it, for me, at least, is that I am incapable of stopping the regression into that instability of madness. Even when I put every wall between myself and that demon of my consciousness, it slips through all defenses, the inescapable mist of disillusionment. I wish I didn't understand what you mean, but I do, and I wish us all the strength to endure it.
I use to feel exactly like you, and to be honest I sometimes do feel like that. I came to understand the term meloncholy from a very young age simply because I was always looking out for ways the way I am. I always felt different but I think you feel the same, not in a weird way, or outcast way, just simply because we have such a beautiful mind and its so hard for us to be understood without people thinking we are abnormal. I turned to creative writing to channel out my creativity. Try and do the same. Find something which helps channel out your mind and it out.
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