Decisions must be made.
I'm being level headed and pragmatic. I'm not being judgmental about any of this, but I am being honest. I would rather choose to mature and be calm and logical about this. I would rather keep moving forward than remain terribly stagnant or continue reverting/catapulting myself back into the/a position of the past. This might seem as or come off like an overreaction, an over-analyzation, or even an over-dramaticism; yet, these perceptions are not quick judgments, rather they have been formulating and accumulating for quite some time now. I just didn't want to believe it though, maybe I was lying to myself as I so often do, but I wanted to believe in the triumph of faith and goodness over expecting the worst. But I need to be smart now.
I'm sorry. I completely and utterly overestimated you. I overcompensated with too much benefit of the doubt and all too much credibility in the person I thought you had become- only because I believe(d) so much in your potential and possible greatness in the world. Not to mention, your sincerity about the complete validity of this great transformation did nothing to curb this inference. (who were you trying to convince? me? or yourself?) Thus, I openly decided that I could put my faith in you and our friendship, seeing as how far I thought you had come from the horrible person you used to be. I learned to count on you again, I let myself rely on you, taking my courage from the words that you swore were far from fallacious. I put full faith into the notion that this time around it would be a good and different friendship and that you'd really be there. I thought I saw a person who had grown so much and indeed you have, but not as much as I had thought or more so had wished for you. I do give you credit because you have improved vastly, but I realize that you're still quite the same person as before- just with a small tweak. You're beginning to let yourself become the former. I guess old habits die hard. Slowly but surely as I so often innately try to read people, I saw and see you slowly reverting back to your old ways- the ways I despised- regardless if you can let yourself consciously really realize it and try to understand it yourself. I know I made and make things difficult, I know that. You really didn't deserve that, nobody does. You deserved a new chance, but I wasn't ready. Time lied to me. Eventually I gave it to you, but maybe too late because all the damage had already been done. Once something is ruined, it's already tainted and no matter how hard one tries, it will never be the pure goodness that it initially was- at least what was thought it all had initially been. It's our humanity's lot in life to fool ourselves time and time again.
I wanted to believe you were a better person inwardly as you appeared outwardly, but I guess it's going to take more time. I know this isn't fair to you at all.
Actually, knowing you and how indifferent you are towards everything and also to how insignificant I am to you, this probably won't phase you at all or make a difference. This won't give you any perspective or make you want to be better. But to change you isn't my intention. If you love someone, you accept everything about them. We've been friends for a while, or actually I have been your friend for years. And yeah, I do accept you for who you are and all of it, but as tough as it is for me, I can't and choose not to be a part of it.
Thinking about everything that has happened. I still remember some very lucid details and images of the past that are really hard to shake. Can you? Do you remember everything? Unfortunately I do, as I scam back into time and it just, it's just too much. I don't know. I need more time, you need more time to grow and find out who you are. And I don't think who you are now suffices or compensates for my insecurities you've spurned. It's easy to forgive a person, but more difficult to forget things that happened. And my problem is that I forgive too easily and give an infinite amount of chances on the spoken promise of genuine sincerity.
I let you back in way too quickly. But that's my fault, I too openly give my trust away, when forgiving a person, with only my faith in them to serve as insurance. A couple weeks, you pushed your way back into my life way too quickly. To be honest, it was startling and really scary for me. I had built up this wall of protection from you, and within a matter of a week and a half, it was already heavily crumbling into dishevel. But I honestly believe you had changed. You appeared so different, but then it all stopped.
And I tried to push you away time and time again, but this kind of pushing away doesn't work when you don't want to do what's good for you. And you're so unreadable and calm about everything as if absolutely nothing phases you because if you're fed up, you throw your hands up, ignore it and don't deal with it. Easy solution to a problem that isn't yours. The thing is, you're not dumb. You're smart, that's what kills me, but you don't try to understand the mechanisms behind the source of the frustrations and picked fights. I've let my guard down leaving me too vulnerable, I need you to be there. I need consistency from you. I realize that you need to be an inconstant, but a friendship is supposed to go both ways right? If you're going to choose to be in my life, be there. I can't figure you out.
But, I can't stand by and watch this disintegrate further and further, whether it be in reality or in my mind, until eventually I'm the one who gets the short end of the stick again. I can already see it happening slowly but surely. When it comes to us, no matter what, you always come out on top- because you have to and because in all honesty, number 1 on your list is only and always going to be you. I realized, that all it will ever be. I meant it that one night when I said that on your list, you're always number 1 while I'm not even on the list. It's always going to be like that isn't it? And I need to stop lying to myself that it's different. I need to stop idealizing a friendship that isn't there and realize that there's nothing 'best friend', as you had propositioned so firmly, about this. I don't know if it's possible for you to be any different and that's hard for me to even type out smoothly because of how much I want to believe you.
I can't be strung along anymore. And I can't keep trying to explain it to you with little details while making you think I'm just getting more and more fucked up with these fights I cause. Little things they may be, but it's the little things that often stack up into big things that matter. The little things create appreciation.
I do understand that some of this is none other than my own undoing. Some actions and decisions made were entirely those of my own and I take full responsibility of my own inflictions. I probably made things worse, but this is not all me and you will not do the guy thing and turn everything around so the girl is the one to blame for the emotional wreckage and storm just because that's easier to do than actually allow yourself to feel something out of your control. But either way, I probably did the number I always do on people, which is push them so far and so heavily as to scare them away for good. Pretty good strategy.
I'm being level headed and pragmatic. I'm not being judgmental about any of this, but I am being honest. I would rather choose to mature and be calm and logical about this. I would rather keep moving forward than remain terribly stagnant or continue reverting/catapulting myself back into the/a position of the past. This might seem as or come off like an overreaction, an over-analyzation, or even an over-dramaticism; yet, these perceptions are not quick judgments, rather they have been formulating and accumulating for quite some time now. I just didn't want to believe it though, maybe I was lying to myself as I so often do, but I wanted to believe in the triumph of faith and goodness over expecting the worst. But I need to be smart now.
I'm sorry. I completely and utterly overestimated you. I overcompensated with too much benefit of the doubt and all too much credibility in the person I thought you had become- only because I believe(d) so much in your potential and possible greatness in the world. Not to mention, your sincerity about the complete validity of this great transformation did nothing to curb this inference. (who were you trying to convince? me? or yourself?) Thus, I openly decided that I could put my faith in you and our friendship, seeing as how far I thought you had come from the horrible person you used to be. I learned to count on you again, I let myself rely on you, taking my courage from the words that you swore were far from fallacious. I put full faith into the notion that this time around it would be a good and different friendship and that you'd really be there. I thought I saw a person who had grown so much and indeed you have, but not as much as I had thought or more so had wished for you. I do give you credit because you have improved vastly, but I realize that you're still quite the same person as before- just with a small tweak. You're beginning to let yourself become the former. I guess old habits die hard. Slowly but surely as I so often innately try to read people, I saw and see you slowly reverting back to your old ways- the ways I despised- regardless if you can let yourself consciously really realize it and try to understand it yourself. I know I made and make things difficult, I know that. You really didn't deserve that, nobody does. You deserved a new chance, but I wasn't ready. Time lied to me. Eventually I gave it to you, but maybe too late because all the damage had already been done. Once something is ruined, it's already tainted and no matter how hard one tries, it will never be the pure goodness that it initially was- at least what was thought it all had initially been. It's our humanity's lot in life to fool ourselves time and time again.
I wanted to believe you were a better person inwardly as you appeared outwardly, but I guess it's going to take more time. I know this isn't fair to you at all.
Actually, knowing you and how indifferent you are towards everything and also to how insignificant I am to you, this probably won't phase you at all or make a difference. This won't give you any perspective or make you want to be better. But to change you isn't my intention. If you love someone, you accept everything about them. We've been friends for a while, or actually I have been your friend for years. And yeah, I do accept you for who you are and all of it, but as tough as it is for me, I can't and choose not to be a part of it.
Thinking about everything that has happened. I still remember some very lucid details and images of the past that are really hard to shake. Can you? Do you remember everything? Unfortunately I do, as I scam back into time and it just, it's just too much. I don't know. I need more time, you need more time to grow and find out who you are. And I don't think who you are now suffices or compensates for my insecurities you've spurned. It's easy to forgive a person, but more difficult to forget things that happened. And my problem is that I forgive too easily and give an infinite amount of chances on the spoken promise of genuine sincerity.
I let you back in way too quickly. But that's my fault, I too openly give my trust away, when forgiving a person, with only my faith in them to serve as insurance. A couple weeks, you pushed your way back into my life way too quickly. To be honest, it was startling and really scary for me. I had built up this wall of protection from you, and within a matter of a week and a half, it was already heavily crumbling into dishevel. But I honestly believe you had changed. You appeared so different, but then it all stopped.
And I tried to push you away time and time again, but this kind of pushing away doesn't work when you don't want to do what's good for you. And you're so unreadable and calm about everything as if absolutely nothing phases you because if you're fed up, you throw your hands up, ignore it and don't deal with it. Easy solution to a problem that isn't yours. The thing is, you're not dumb. You're smart, that's what kills me, but you don't try to understand the mechanisms behind the source of the frustrations and picked fights. I've let my guard down leaving me too vulnerable, I need you to be there. I need consistency from you. I realize that you need to be an inconstant, but a friendship is supposed to go both ways right? If you're going to choose to be in my life, be there. I can't figure you out.
But, I can't stand by and watch this disintegrate further and further, whether it be in reality or in my mind, until eventually I'm the one who gets the short end of the stick again. I can already see it happening slowly but surely. When it comes to us, no matter what, you always come out on top- because you have to and because in all honesty, number 1 on your list is only and always going to be you. I realized, that all it will ever be. I meant it that one night when I said that on your list, you're always number 1 while I'm not even on the list. It's always going to be like that isn't it? And I need to stop lying to myself that it's different. I need to stop idealizing a friendship that isn't there and realize that there's nothing 'best friend', as you had propositioned so firmly, about this. I don't know if it's possible for you to be any different and that's hard for me to even type out smoothly because of how much I want to believe you.
I can't be strung along anymore. And I can't keep trying to explain it to you with little details while making you think I'm just getting more and more fucked up with these fights I cause. Little things they may be, but it's the little things that often stack up into big things that matter. The little things create appreciation.
I do understand that some of this is none other than my own undoing. Some actions and decisions made were entirely those of my own and I take full responsibility of my own inflictions. I probably made things worse, but this is not all me and you will not do the guy thing and turn everything around so the girl is the one to blame for the emotional wreckage and storm just because that's easier to do than actually allow yourself to feel something out of your control. But either way, I probably did the number I always do on people, which is push them so far and so heavily as to scare them away for good. Pretty good strategy.
I can only fully care about someone I choose to let in, or not at all. You know I have high expectations. The people I consider close friends, I love wholeheartedly and keep them close to me. And you make things far too difficult to keep you in the gray area. I understand your need to constantly be moving and impermanent, but as I told you, you can't do that with me. You can't disappear on me. You can't keep choosing to come back whenever you please because it suits your convenience. You can't keep coming back after I've worked so hard to rebuild what you broke. Either be there, or don't. It's not a difficult principle and concept to grasp.
This isn't an entry about pointing fingers or who's to blame. This is just pure and simple what you see is what you get conclusions. Calm and collected thought recorded on to systematic memoir. I just wish you'd really talk to me and let me in. You don't say a word.
After the last full blown fight I caused, towards the end, I accepted you for you and realized all this. I made up my mind to that I couldn't need you so much. I made up my mind to try and not rely on you so much, to try and detach myself away from you and from the friendship I thought we had created. I slowly tried to take away all expectation and responsibility from you and just to take you for what you are, but how can you truly be someone's friend, let alone 'best friend'- hey it was a really nice month- for the matter? Expectations are investments. Everything no matter how small always gets in the way of everything.
After the last full blown fight I caused, towards the end, I accepted you for you and realized all this. I made up my mind to that I couldn't need you so much. I made up my mind to try and not rely on you so much, to try and detach myself away from you and from the friendship I thought we had created. I slowly tried to take away all expectation and responsibility from you and just to take you for what you are, but how can you truly be someone's friend, let alone 'best friend'- hey it was a really nice month- for the matter? Expectations are investments. Everything no matter how small always gets in the way of everything.
I made myself into a fool, again, actually an even bigger one than I could have possibly imagined possible these past few months, by succumbing and letting you back in; I let my guard down like I had never done before despite my greatest fears. The end result was far more detrimental than I could have ever envisioned. And I will be kicking myself in the ass for a very long time about this starting now until I can let you completely go. Why is it that I never seem to learn my lesson about not letting my guard down anymore? Why is it that I never learn not to believe in the best of people?
I can't make anymore mistakes; I can't afford to. I keep disappearing time and time again and I don't know what else to do.
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