Love

I'm starting to think that human beings were not made to be monogamous. I mean I know some animals like beavers, bats, and emperor penguins mate for life, but our species- really now? I think we just like the idea of this hyped up notion of perfection and completion because it gives us an answer and peace of mind. Though I have to admit- it's a pretty good one. I know I am a hopeless romantic idealist- but with a side of realist pragmatism.

I mean how do you really know the difference between real love that'll last and something that will just take a while to get over? Shut up you losers who say, if you have to ask then you haven't experienced it. Shut up you idiots, how can you ever be sure? And if you're labeling it real love, how much do you really know? If you're able to define it, then there's probably a great possibility that you're in that naive and ignorant bunch who don't know any better and should probably stop breeding, no, you definitely should stop. (Yes, damn right I just said that)

But seriously, what makes those animals mate for life? They don't ever cheat on each other or leave because they can't do it anymore.

I mean who's to say that it is possible to stay with one person when life is so inconstant. (Didn't studies and research prove something about it being normal to have more than one partner or not human nature to just have one? Or was this just a case on the mentality of males and their need to mark their territory and spread their seeds every which way they can? I dunno, just some food for thought.)

As I look into my past love/lust/infatuation? (what are you supposed to call it?) life, I realized that I only decide to get into real relationships or have the desire to with only people of whom I feel experimentation phase and it's not for me. So I've been working on this celibacy thing for a while, but it really hasn't been working out because my inner sinner seems to come out to play hard whenever I drink- though truthfully I don't ever really put out ever (I might be labeled a tease or a prude- but at least I don't do anything I don't want to do and am always safe), it's just a bit of hardcore foreplay fun- except for some minor slip ups- but it still wasn't meaningless! Haha don't hate and don't judge loser. But I always say that I cannot be held accountable for the things I do when drunk or at night. So either way it's a win for me and all good in the play book.

And I don't know about you, but for me, I can see in the first time I've met someone if he's in that category (you know, the two categories- forever friend or something more/great). If it's not there for me, then I can't give it a try and feel it out. I can't give people what they want if it doesn't make sense to me. But, as of now at my age- I am trying to approach dating from a different angle. I'm trying to take things slower now and feel things out. But, there's always got to be a spark of interest from the start to begin with right? Right.

Okay, so back to my past. When I decide to let someone in, I obviously get attached and when things don't work out- the downward spiral resurfaces. I really need to tone down my lust for life regarding the few things I choose to care about. (But that seems to explain who I am now and my inability to really open my door and let people in- confession: I don't get attached because I'm afraid that if I let myself, then I'll end up needing that person too much. And with most things for an unlucky person such as I, the bottom tends to fall out of everything)

Hence, the reason behind why I fight everything that resembles strings or a permanence- it keeps me safe as could be. I think the only reason why I have commitment issues is because I'm too afraid of the bottom falling out- I always expect it. I've been so independent and alone; I've taken care of myself my entire life for as long as I can remember back to childhood. It's frightening, the thought of allowing your vulnerability to come out and have a go when you choose someone to catch you. What if they don't? Every time I get the least bit closer to someone in that way, I freeze up. It's like I hit an invisible barrier that just cannot be broken through. As if something in my brain somehow disconnects on its own so no way no how, I just stop. Then I end up pushing them away.

I don't know, every time the bottom falls out, it nearly kills me.

But I've realized every time I decide to, I go into these relationships quick and all too fervently that it all eventually ends up scorching me until all that's left of me is this unrepairable black hole. But as I rationalize and examine, each of these had the possibility of love. Am I wrong? Either way you feel what you feel- it doesn't matter what the situation- you still feel an emotion at a moment just as strongly as the next person would in their own dramatic situation.

That is why I ask, how can you even tell? Shit, I seem to fall in love just by looking at someone I don't even know (haha don't hate and don't judge me; it's too much fun and too damn easy when it doesn't matter) - so how do you really know what's going to be everlasting? I know, shut up again you losers- don't tell me that "you don't know, you just have to risk it/chance it" bullshit. I've risked it so many times that I don't have enough strength in me to lose what little left I have of myself. How many times does someone have to get lacerated and adjusted until, wait for it.. until you finally look at yourself and all there is is just a shell of a person. At this point people would say that eventually it'll happen. Well, really? Will it really? What are you, fucking clairvoyant? No, you're just saying it so that it does its job of short term reassurance until the next disaster materializes, but secretly you're scared shitless too that you'll end up 40 and alone at home with your dogs and bottle of wine. Oh, and can't forget about your job too. You feign and deny that being alone doesn't phase you because of how accomplished (or not) you are, but we all know deep down you really want someone you can have sex with forever and feel just as passionate about. Yep, I think that's what we all want- in the end everyone's a sucker.

Okay, I've lost myself again. Yes, monogamy. Okay, then how do you explain when a person, who swears they love a person so damn much, begins to fucking stray? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. But does that just mean it really wasn't love? All we can conclude is that definitely as we grow older, we become more and more tainted and desensitized whereas when were younger, we're so able to feel so in love and believe it wholeheartedly. I know this from experience and I'm sure many others have as well- you know, the infamous "first love". Yep. I'll just be terse with this, for me, when I love someone, that's it for me. My eyes don't see anyone else or even think about anyone else. But as I recollect- that's how I used to be when I was a baby in high school experiencing "love". And my first love, I remember thinking that I would've loved him forever- the end was a horrible and torrid break up with all the tears and craziness you could imagine. Just what a perfect first love experience should be I suppose. It took me a while to get over him, but get over him I eventually did.

Getting over a person isn't the same as getting over or letting go of an experience. How does one actually ever do that anyway? Because I'm still trying to 'eternal sunshine on the spotless mind' that shit- I want some parts of my past erased from memory, but unfortunately that is a failed mission. The experience never leaves you, rather it just gets numb and freezes until you allow yourself to remember it/thaw it out when you decide to recollect/reminisce. While a person is completely replaceable- well, you know what I mean. You can forgive a person for their actions and faults, but an rough experience is hard to completely forget and is another thing all in itself. I guess the real reason I don't go back is because I experience part of the loathsome responsive emotion all over again- as if they are back lashings and whippings that only reenact themselves when you allow them to, but of course the waves of pain sensations causing the anxiety I feel are only a fraction (thank god, imagine if it were just as strong? Haha then there would absolutely be no hope for any of us, not even for the lucky ones) of the very real thing from the past. But more in depth discussion is for another entry altogether, I'm not going to do this now. So, if we're able to get over someone we've loved so deeply, how was it even love in the first place? And if so, then what's to ensure that someone you choose to love, honor, and cherish till death do you part has the capability of actually executing and keeping that promise. The divorce rate is really high and it doesn't seem like anyone can make it anymore. People are fleeting, so is love fleeting as well?

So, how am I now? Well I believe that obviously anyone you meet when you're young has a very slim chance of matrimony, but these experiences are great to take with you and learn from so that you can be better for the one you're supposed to be with. And harsh past experiences, even if you wish you could've done things differently or wish they never happened, either way they have already occurred and there is nothing you can do about it now. So, it is best just to [try] to learn from it and continue moving forward. (gotta love my life ideology yes?)

But then, how can you tell the difference between who's the one? and who's the one right now? How can we ever make it then?

Anyway, I know I am definitely more tainted and not so brand new anymore than ever at present now when it comes to love, but who knows? I just spoke with my co-worker today that a guy we just met expects me to wait a month for him then that's out of the question because in all honesty- I do not know who I am going to be in a month.

Yes, life is just that inconstant (and we all know I friggen definitely am) and if you're too unaware and dumb to realize it, then I really feel sorry for you and congratulations for being in the dumb majority that will never even have just a slightest clue of consciousness to the real world that I and other kindred spirits have been able to see and discover- the true world that has the capability to transcend you to another dimension of thought and existence- the domain that has the ability to really save you when you've plummeted straight into the dark place.

This is the source of my unwavering and unrelenting (no matter how much I fight it at times) light. Yeah, but you people who refuse to see outside of the small box are the ones I tend to loathe and be perturbed by on a daily basis. Yeah, no one likes to be hated, you'll say you don't care- but deep down everyone needs to just shut the fuck up because homies be serious, everything in life is personal and really, everybody cares. Don't take everything so personally? Wait, what? Hello? Life is personal- it's yours and just yours alone. You only get one and you're really going to waste it drifting and passing through life rather than actually living it up and taking in all the feelings this realm has to offer? But then again- you might just end up like me. So basically you can't win. Nobody wins.

So, I've basically lost my train of thought, but as you can see I'm playing with a bit of word association right now and just recording everything I am thinking. I have just been typing every thought that is crossing my path waves right now. I actually haven't had a crass entry in a very long time. I used to write these bold and speak my mind entries- but I suppose my empathy got in the way. Feels nice to be a little mean once in a while. (thought my friends would never think I wasn't ever a bitch? Haha go figure- island of multifaceted complexity)

But wow, I am chock full of honesty and very revealing of my inner core today. Quite astonished. I've confessed a lot of inner demons in this entry, but given my continuous capricious attitude, I'm really okay with it. So I suppose, go me? haha.