Perspective

I never thought that I would be so glad to be back home. Listening to the easy sound of Sara Bareilles tonight in the soothing car ride home under an all too mischievous and grinning Cheshire Cat moon tonight. She is another artist of whom I never get sick and tired of hearing. Her stuff has also helped me through some tough times. I love absolutely ALL of her music- I really do. (come on, it's easy- the piano and use of strings homies), I think as I grow older I am becoming more and more girly/feminine. But oddly enough, I really do not seem to mind. Excuse my all too elementary speech at the moment, I couldn't wait to get back and hop on my trusty laptop of which I have come to be attached to, but as of right now I am way to tired to even think or communicate anything precisely. My mind is not so sharp right now so my words may stumble a bit. But I will say one thing.

It's crazy how just a few days can change everything- but even just a few moments (seconds/minutes/hours/etc.) can spin your whole life around. Well at least your whole present life at that crack in time. But of course we all knew that since this happens all the time to we the human race; yet, every time it happens we all manage to be blown off course and astonished/bewildered at the same time that any of this could ever happen.

Oh, so that thing I left hanging right before Vegas that I posted about- I've shut it away in a drawer and have decided to just think about it and deal with it some other time. I don't want to right now.

It's also crazy how just a few days away from a place so familiar can give you perspective- so damn much perspective. It's as if you're coming back slightly more refreshed (even if you are completely drained and tired when you walk through the door) in place of being actually slightly burnt out from life's daily routines. You're also able to appreciate things you often take for granted more. Like for me, my huge love and appreciation to actually be home. You never really appreciate home until you've been away for a while. But I am a true homebody either way- I love staying in. (although most of the time I never get a chance to really do so, so whenever I do- I really take joy in relishing the leisure time. You know there's something off when your weekends tend to be more exhausting than your weekdays)

So here's what I've come up with.
I really need to start improving my karma. I want to be a better person to those of whom I really love and care for. They just take so much of my emotional roller coaster of nothing but highs and lows and so I need to and should treat them better. I mean even though they know how appreciative I am for they being there for me- they really shouldn't have to put up with so much craziness from one consistently inconsistent person.
I realized that I need to control my temper. Sometimes I behave in a way that I completely loathe and wish wasn't me. I have this ability to really be mean and really hurt people when I want to. That is not a good quality to possess. I love one part of me, but the other part is completely insufferable. I seriously do not know how people put up with me.
But now that I know that, today was/is day 1 of being a better person. Not saying anything unless I have something nice to say- this only (hey, I'm still going to have opinions, just maybe not so expression in my objections with others) pertains to when people speak and rub me the wrong way because usually I have the urge/need/impulse to argue and pick fights which ends in angry and hurtful words. And once you've said something, it's out there and you can never take it back. But all the other stuff has a green light because I really don't care about things anyway and it's all for fun when things don't matter- talking about stupid petty shit. (It's weird how I really don't care about anything; yet, when it comes to the things I do care about- It's with immense concern and zeal. But eh, that's just who I am and I rather like that about myself)
Today was day 1 of me trying to practice what I preach. Everyone's a hypocrite. Shut up, everyone is. I happen to be a major one and thus I am trying to be better. I really need to control my temper, especially when it comes to my parents, and I really need to not say everything that is on my mind just to prove a point because that often causes many rifts. And again, once you've said something, you definitely cannot ever take it back. I need to learn how to just let things be- I need to be more tolerant and able to not take things so personally, I need to let things go. I used to say, "Why shouldn't it be personal?" because if life isn't most of the time, then what is the point of everything? But I guess there should be a balance of what you choose to let affect you or else you just end up like me all guilt stricken and haunted.
I am actually sort of proud of myself though. I managed to just keep quiet as my dad lectured me about something today that I obviously thought was pointless. Obviously I did not want to hear its redundancy. But a couple days ago, in my mind, I vowed to try not to take things so personally with both of my parents (they are way too overtly critical- my friends even say that after seeing them) and be more like my brother in that area. Nothing ever seems to phase him and he somehow has this great ability to tune my parents out when it comes to nonessential and incessant chatter- this is called a sort of white noise my friends. So a couple days ago, I told myself that I would try to work on accomplishing that goal. No, I told myself that I need to gain that trait and have it down on lock.
So basically, I am going, no, I have already begun to really work at being more tolerant of people and controlling my temper when it comes to stupidity. Yet, I am going to stop letting things really affect me. I am going to stop living with my heart and start living with my brain and mind. So here's to finally working on some of those resolution! Now if I could just figure out how not to get so hungover every time I drink then everything would be all good.
Oh! And a while ago I wrote about being so over and done with all that sulking and wallowing emotional dark and twisty stuff (you know, my 8 and aboves that make me want to end life- yeah not so good). So just an update- I am still doing pretty well and trying to keep it going strong. I still sometimes feel a bit morose at times and want to cry, but that's normal and bound to happen from time to time- but the point is that over all of that still remains the warm and fuzzy comfort of that same light feeling (so reassuring). For all you daft losers, this means that I am still good and not in the dark place. So that's pretty tight and a good thing I might add. I'm really trying to stick to this emotional ambition goal. (The entry Brand New Airiness; Capriciousness Indeed) I'm trying to get my mojo back haha (LOL yeah, I said it)- you know, my confidence of 3 months past. I guess that guy I last went out on a date with really did me one over and sucked some confidence away from me- but that's over and done with- in the past. There's no time or necessity for that now. Now that was a fucking blast of fun and nonchalance- everything was so easy and great. So here's to that and dominance lovers.