Do Or Dont?

Remember how I mentioned that I bought my first pack, in a really long time, of Marlboros last week? Well, I miss cigarettes. No, I mean I really miss cigarettes. I actually think I might need them. Which is really bad because since last month I've added loads of caffeine (tons of coffee and red bull every single day) to my daily routine. Not to mention my liver and kidneys are already dunzo and in overload from having to break down the Wellbutrin XL that absolutely is not working at all. Boo.

I feel really reckless right now. Like I could do some real damage (of any sort) some time soon. That really scares me because this shouldn't be so. Too much anxiety and fluctuating hormones and moods that are making me want to smash everything and cry at the same time. It's getting more and more difficult not to pick fights for no reason. It's getting more and more difficult to tolerate stupidity from those around me. It's getting more and more difficult not to snap at my mother at every single dementia'd action and thought she produces that just annoys me to no ends which I really wish didn't. (I'm sorry, I love you) It's getting more difficult to tolerate my father. (I'm really sorry, I love you) It's getting more and more difficult to tolerate this mundane life and everything in it that moves, breathes, and thinks.

Yet, It's getting ridiculously easier and easier to cry, did I mention that yet? Yeah, this is bullshit. I don't do outward emotions. Remember when I was literally and physically incapable of producing these salty teardrop gems? Yeah, I remember too. I don't know what's worse, not being able to cry when you really want to for some cathartic undoing and relief, or being on the verge of tears at every possible moment of the day because everything single thing apparently has become a goddamn trigger. This shit is killing me.

Though I am really really really (that's three so that means serious business) worried my body health. It's not very strong. In fact, it's quite weak. Yet, I don't think I am going to be a non-smoker any longer. But then again I don't think I ever really was completely since I still had the occasional intoxicated smoke. Though I really want one right now, I'll resist for tonight. It's Chinese New Year. But I plan on buying a pack tomorrow.

By the by, so too much of friends are beginning to discover this blog of mine and it's kind of making me self-conscious now. I don't like the thought of them finding out and knowing that I have these weaknesses and insecurities and how extremely crazy I really am. I don't like to reveal this side of me to anyone that I actually have emotions and feelings- that I'm not completely a jerk and insensitive. I don't want them to know just how fragile I really am when usually I am always the strong one and fucking always dominate in life. You can tell just how multifaceted I really am and too complicated to be figured out. Confession: I'm actually really a bit shy at heart.

So, it's getting harder to now express my erratic thoughts since the courage and bravery anonymity gives me slowly dissipating. Things I want to record, I have now started to consciously scribble down in my mini notepad reserved for my awful poetry. Like my inspiration that hit me this morning. But most of my friends/peers/aquaintances seem to be accepting me for who I am, which is pretty tight. But you still can't help but wonder what they're really thinking. (trust and abandoment issues here, remember?) But then again, why should it matter right? And plus, they most likely are not following this on a weekly basis, so that's pretty tight.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I also intend on dyeing my hair again tonight. Can you tell I'm getting restless and in need of another change?