Fuck Genetics

I swear I fucking get my craziness from my mother. There's shit she does sometimes that seriously perplexes me. And believe me, makes me really feel for my friends having to deal with my shit even more so than I empathized with before.

So, you know how I tend to wear my heart slightly on my sleeve? Well, she actually wears her heart on her sleeve full force and full blown even more than I do. She behaves like a petulant child (I mean it, literally with the huffs and puffs and fist balling- no lie, true story bro) and can at any instant become emotionally angry, frustrated, crazy and thus expressing it with full rage and defensiveness. (sound familiar? yeah, but mine is definitely at half rage since I definitely have part, thank god or hopefully, of my father's calm and all too mellow demeanor- I swear, if I didn't have it, I would be full on crazy like my mother and not know what kind of person I could even turn out to be- but, let's hope it doesn't progress further as I age) Difference, she gets bothered by the smallest things, such as having to wait 5 minutes in line, or if a fax doesn't go through. To me, those are petty types of issues (but we all knew that since there are only a handful of things I care about while the rest don't even matter or skim my radar) that should serve as no reason to become distraught over and over again on a daily basis. Key word: daily basis.

We all can conclude that women are naturally emotional creatures and so we definite have or should get leeway to act out sometimes because we really cannot help it since our bodies are working so hard to deal with our ever-fluctuating hormone levels. (really, take a bio class or read a book homies. god I love finding out how things work and the mechanisms behind them) So once in a while is cool, but posing an opportunity everyday and being able to explode at any moment- now tell me that doesn't have resemblance to a bit of insanity, or at least a behavioral disorder. But makes sense right? Mama cub is bigger and the source of foundation while little cub is smaller but still thus derives traits from where it came from. The smaller- the less proportion. Shut up, don't judge or laugh at my funny analogy haha. Just think about it. (:

My thoughts are entirely inconhesive at the moment and do not flow well because I'm a bit flustered, so sorry for that and thanks for bearing with me. I realized that I talk in these random and sporadic thoughts, but if you get to know me, you get to understand that random and sporadic they may be, I talk in loops and eventually I get to a point after the randomness and bring it all together in the end to really make sense. Haha hopefully. Well, at least my friends think I make a decent amount of logical sense.

Anyway, so she imagines things that she said but in actuality really never was said. She sometimes thinks events took place that really never really happened. And the worst part of all is that she is totally convinced she's right and that her recollections are completely accurate. How can you believe wholeheartedly in something that never really existed to begin with? This is the major thing that seriously I cannot find resolution and comprehension of because I'm the kind of person who says it like it is without changing the content and words if I'm reiterating.

Isn't that just completely ludicrous though? to think something happened but really, it didn't happen at all, and to swear by it nonetheless! Doesn't that sound a bit on the verges of slight derangement? And don't even get me started on my fear of Dementia and Alzheimer's since her memory is really, really going. Example, she can't even remember certain movies she's watched even when we've seen like literally more than 5 times within a span of 2 years. (by the by, I may be speaking bluntly, but all of this deterioration really pains and saddens me because it's god awful unfortunate!) Yeah, please make a pill that prevents all this degeneration and downgrading of life after you peak.

Yet, all this crap I have to take from her because she is indeed my mother keeps me in my place when I get too carried away and egotistical- not to mention at times (yeah, I admit it) idiotically oblivious and ignorant of a situation at whole all at the same time. At least I hope it keeps me in my place well enough, since most of the time I act like I know everything when in reality- totally not true and I really don't know shit compared to the too large spectrum of knowledge in the world, but it's too easy to think that you do when you oppose an idea. Everything's always a competition right? Fuck competition.

I realize I act like a dumbass sometimes- most times? haha. But hey, but at least I'm brave enough to admit it and admit being wrong when I see it! It may not be right away, but eventually I get there.

But all this, just bolsters the already present psychological research/studies and statistics that most of the time, things in our minds cannot be helped no matter how strong a mentality one possesses. Our brain is way too complex for us to control completely and if we were honestly smart enough to understand the human brain, then really, we still wouldn't be able to understand it. Get it?

All in all, I love my mother (and father) wholeheartedly either way. Family is supposed to drive you crazy and you just deal. It hopefully makes you out to be a better person in the end.

And the good thing is that now that I've vented, slight elated euphoria has seeped and worked its luscious sparkling magic into my system and calm me entirely. I fucking love this feeling. Warning: Blogging emits addicting side effects. Oh, and sorry again for errors you may find in this entry. I'm too lazy to edit and was thinking way too quickly to pay attention to the structure and form. But I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did expressing it. (: